


The Nest-Mate

by Sexycanofsoup



Series: Becoming Family [1]
Category: Temeraire - Naomi Novik
Genre: Friends to Lovers, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-02 20:14:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 37,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13325676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sexycanofsoup/pseuds/Sexycanofsoup
Summary: Laurence has been looking forward to a relaxing retirement. He has everything he could want, a doting dragon, a satisfied lover, and a plethora of loyal friends. However, uneasiness encroaches on his paradise in the form of the ever increasing absence of his dearest friend. Tharkay's distance troubles him, and it doesn't help that he keeps turning down invitations to join him for dinner with Jane. He is determined to get to the bottom of it, but doesn't realize that his meddling will bring much more change than he is prepared for, and if doesn't rise to the challenge, he may lose his dear Tharkay forever.





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Trouble in Paradise

Laurence was tying his neck cloth when he felt Tharkay’s presence in the doorway. He didn’t have to look to know it, and not just because they lived alone together. Tharkay didn’t like to own spaces. He’d once said that to be noticed was to be trapped. But his manner of ghosting had become familiar to Laurence, and when a room was doused in a particular kind of quiet he knew to expect his friend.

“Tenzing,” Laurence said by way of greeting. His neck cloth wasn’t sitting quite right. He stifled a sigh and slipped it open to begin again. Jane, of course, wouldn’t care about the cloth. _“Why do you bother when I’m just going to take it off again?”_ Her voice echoed in his head and he smiled.

“I’ll be heading into town now. Is there any errand I can manage for you while I’m there?”

Laurence swiveled around. His hands dropped from his neck. “Going into town? Now?”

Despite the many years they’d known each other, Tharkay was still uncomfortably good at throwing Laurence off.

“I’m afraid there’s urgent business I need to attend to. Something that can’t wait until morning.”

Laurence frowned. If Tharkay had work to do there could be no arguing with him. To raise an objection would only be selfishness, but really, this was the third time Tharkay was cancelling dinner plans with Jane and it was starting to look suspicious. Laurence would duel anyone who dared called Tharkay a liar, and yet…

“That’s most unfortunate. Jane will be disappointed.”

“I’m sure Jane will forgive me in time. Pray make an apology to her in my stead.”

For a moment Laurence thought Tharkay was in earnest, but then he saw the quirk of his mouth and a certain glint in his eye and knew he was joke fodder. He turned away and went back to fixing his neck cloth in a very obvious gesture of dismissal.

“Come now, Will. You know she’s not coming for me.”

Laurence was glad he had his back to the man. A blush was creeping up his cheeks. Tharkay never tired of poking holes in his prudish nature.

“Is it wrong to want the two of you to become better acquainted?”

Laurence was aware of the sulky tone in his voice, but worse was that Tharkay heard it too.

“No,” he said. It was as close to an apology as Laurence was likely to get. “Though I can’t see why you’re so hung up on the matter. A mixed breed spy is hardly the company a gentleman could wish to present to his lover.”

“Because those convicted of treason have such high flung notions of what makes proper company, I’m sure,” Laurence launched back. He finished with his neck cloth, but wished he hadn’t. He had nothing to do with his hands now.

Tharkay chuckled. The sound made Laurence swivel round despite himself. Tharkay tapped his forehead in a mock solute. “A good evening to my favorite traitor.” He turned to go. Laurence caught his elbow before he could get too far.

“Should I be worried about this business of yours?” Their various escapades over the years had taught him that there was no danger out there that Tharkay would put himself above.

Tharkay tugged his elbow free, but gently, without ill feeling.

“The number of times I’ve saved your neck should remind you that I’m perfectly fit to take care of myself.”

“Pardon me for not wanting you wandering off to get yourself arrested and/or executed _again_.”

“I don’t think I need to be hearing that from you of all people.”

Laurence must have made a face because Tharkay chuckled again and headed for the door. Laurence thought about following him, but by the time he’d come to a decision he heard the sound of hooves churning dirt. The man was gone. Laurence blew out his breath and left the house. He headed for the pavilion where he could find a more soothing form of company. Temeraire nosed him in happy welcome but was full of questions.

“That was Tharkay leaving. I’m sure it was. Did we forget something for our guests tonight? I thought everything was arranged.“

“No, my dear, you’ve done everything perfectly, of course. I’m sure Jane and Excidium will delight in your preparations.” That was stretching the truth. Neither of their guests were exacting in their tastes. Though Jane was known to favor a good wine, she could by no means be called a gourmand. And Excidium always ate exactly as much as he should, with no care as to what he was eating so long as it was of the normal fare. But Temeraire always expected dragons and humans alike to be as particular as he was, and had interviewed a great many cooks for the estate before settling on a team he could groom to his satisfaction. An extravagance that Tharkay (considering it was _his_ estate) greeted with equitable amusement. Temeraire was always consulted when it came to guests. He would take great offense if left out of the loop. Besides, Laurence enjoyed Temeraire’s efforts, and the exaggerated satisfaction the dragon felt after every successful evening.

“But then whyever has Tharkay left? You _did_ invite him, did you not, Laurence?”

“Yes. But he has begged our understanding for some business that requires his attention.”

Temeraire’s ruff pricked up with interest. “Business? Is it a war? Not that I’d be wanting a war, of course. Not so soon after the peace with Napoleon. It’s nice to know our friends are no longer in danger. It’s just izkierka. If she hears there are wars being fought without her…”

Laurence pressed his face to Temeraire’s and felt his frown fade to nothing.

“No, not a war,” he said with affection. “None that I know of anyway. I’m sure he will be back soon.”

“But what terrible timing. Is this not the fourth time—“

“The third I believe,” corrected Laurence, but the point was made. He hadn’t been the only one to notice.

“Do you think—“ but he cut himself off before he could make the proposal. It was shameful to even contemplate such things. Luckily Temeraire was more forthcoming with his doubts.

“Do you think Tharkay mayn’t like Jane?”

The dragon put out his claw. Laurence accepted the invitation and scrambled up the foreleg to sit in his usual spot in Temeraire’s elbow joint. Once comfortable he was free to contemplate the question.

“I do not see why. I have often thought the two would be of like mind on many matters. Yes, Tharkay is given to a great deal more privacy when it comes to his personal affairs, but the two have the same practical ease in their approach to life. The same focus on results. Not to mention they both find great pleasure in establishing me as the object of their wit and ridicule. I should have thought they would make the best of friends.”

Temeraire rested his head on his other foreleg so that Laurence was beside one great blue eye.

“Maybe he does it in deference to you.”

 “How so?”

“He might wish to assure you that he isn’t out to take Jane as his lover. Though I don’t see why he should think you worried about such a thing. Jane is capable of rebuffing any such advances without your involvement.”

Laurence found himself spluttering in his reply. “My dear, I am sure—certain—that Tharkay, by no means, should be worried about my perceiving him in such a manner.”

But Temeraire wasn’t as sure, and they were still debating the point when the unmistakable sound of beating wings interrupted them. Laurence sprang up and went to meet Jane as Excidium touched down in the clearing. Dinner passed without any issue. The four of them ate together on the pavilion. Laurence had acquired a large service of dragon sized dishes and Temeraire delighted in displaying it to guests. As Tharkay predicted, Jane didn’t question Tharkay’s disappearance, and the four of them exchanged news and discussed the new fountain being erected in Trafalgar square that featured a longwing surrounded by a small horde of smaller British breeds. Naturally, the captains depicted were all men, despite the fact that they hadn’t been putting men to longwings in over a hundred years. Temeraire contested the point hotly, railing against the silliness of the government in hiding such things from the public, while Laurence tried to assure him that the fountain was a step toward progress. The general population still feared dragons and harbored many delusions about dragon intelligence and the organization of the aerial corps, and none of that was going to change overnight.

Eventually Jane and Laurence left the two dragons and went up into the house. They had some wine and ended up in the bedroom. Laurence almost didn’t want it to happen because of Tharkay’s earlier insinuations, but Jane was, as always, quite clear on what she wanted. They lay together afterward with a small lantern glowing on the bedside table.

“Do you think Tharkay is purposefully avoiding you?”

It was the wrong thing to blurt out, of course. But Jane had never been one to reserve the afterglow of sex for romantic conversations. More often than not she’d used the time to plot out dragon maneuvers and speculate about Napolean’s plans while Laurence fought against the sleep that orgasm always threatened. But this time he was wide awake.

Jane smiled and ruffled his hair. When she did things like that he was reminded of her seniority, and the years that separated them. Not that it mattered. Laurence was retired, and when one was in his forties a few years difference hardly counted.

“I wondered what was distracting you,” she said. “Were you picturing Tharkay’s face instead of mine?”

He snorted and expected her to laugh, but instead she sat up and peered into his face. She didn’t bother lifting the sheet to cover herself as she did so. Laurence didn’t know if all the women in the corps were casual about nudity, but he had yet to see one blush at the idea of exposure. She was beautiful, though as a young man he wouldn’t have thought so. He reached out and ran a hand along her stomach where a puckered scar, obtained during the early years of the war, showcased her bravery. He didn’t know the man who had done it to her. Jane had shared the story in uncolored words. It was a boarding party. They were guarding the channel. She killed the man, and dispatched another even after sustaining the wound. Jane leaned down and kissed him, but he was not to be distracted. After several moments he pulled away and raised an inquisitive brow. She waggled both her eyebrows in return.

“I’m sure you’ve already run all the scenarios through your head. Tell me. Do you think I’ve given offense in some way? Maybe honor is involved. Though I don’t think the man puts as much emphasis as the notion as you do—nor does any person, British or otherwise, as far as I can tell.”

“Pray be serious.”

“I don’t think there’s anything to be serious about. You said he had business to attend to.”

“Yes. But I’ve a feeling that business will crop up the next time I invite him as well.”

“The solution is obvious: stop inviting him.”

Laurence rolled away from her, to Jane’s great amusement. She tugged at his side, but couldn’t really muster the force to overturn him with all that laughter.

“Come, come. Look at you sulk! It reminds me of Emily. Did you know that as a girl she wanted only to sleep with Excidium? I can’t count the times I had to go to the covert to fetch her for breakfast. I had to put a lock on her window. Oh but look how cross you are with your forehead all wrinkles. You finally look older than me.”

Laurence could not help but be charmed and submitted to her pulling. She pressed his head to her chest and stroked his hair. He had fallen asleep in this position many times and was on his way to adding another mark to the tally when Jane’s voice tugged at his slipping consciousness.

“I wouldn’t push the issue. You may cause more pain than you realize.”

Laurence couldn’t place her words in the context of their conversation, but still they bothered him and the wrinkles on his forehead remained even in sleep.

\---


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The snit at breakfast

LawrenceI awoke to a cold bed. The fire had died out and there was no Jane to rely on for warmth. He pulled on his clothes quickly, but not as quickly as he once would have. The winters now brought with them a small but noticeable stiffness in his joints. It was always in the morning that he felt oldest. Still his military career had not deserted him and he was clean and dressed in a matter of minutes. When he came downstairs Tharkay was already sitting at the table, newspaper in hand, and tea at his elbow.

“Jane was looking thoughtful this morning,” Tharkay said in place of a greeting. “She also suggested your mood might be a little strange when you woke.”

“How mysterious.” Laurence went to Tharkay’s side but the man didn’t look up from his paper. That annoyed him to pettiness, and he swiped a slice of toast from his friend’s plate. Tharkay either didn’t notice or didn’t mind. He turned the page. Laurence found the lines in his forehead returning.

“Did she make any insinuations as to why my mood might be off?”

“No, but I had my guesses. Did Jane try something new last night? She should know better than to try and teach an old dog new tricks.”

Laurence raised a hand to swat the back of Tharkay’s head, but he paused when he caught sight of the newspaper. It was open to the arts and culture section. Tharkay never read anything but the business pages.

“Tenzing?”

Tharkay made a sound of careless interest and continued to scan the page. Laurence touched his friend’s shoulder. “Did something troubling happen during last night’s business?”

“Routine stuff. Just a trader making a scene over some shipping papers.”

“Then is something else troubling you?” A thought occurred to him and he narrowed his eyes. “Has your family been trying to get their hands on your estate again?”

Tharkay shrugged his shoulder to make the hand fall away. “Of course not. The court case settled things definitively. Now if you’re going to act like a mother hen you may as well refill my cup.”

Laurence sighed but dropped the subject. He reached for the teapot and poured two cups. It was barely warm but instead of going to boil new water in the kettle he pulled out the chair beside Tharkay’s. He barely managed a sip though before there was a rustle of the newspaper and then Tharkay was standing.

“I’ve got several meetings lined up for the day,” he said. “I doubt I’ll be home in time for supper so don’t wait on my account.”

Laurence set down his cup. “You can’t be leaving already…?”

“I want to settle the account at the brewer’s before my first meeting. If I leave now I can—“

“I already told you I’d deal with that. It was Temeraire who accidentally knocked the barrels over, after all. Now sit. Eat your breakfast.”

Tharkay pushed his plate with its remaining toast and kippers over to Laurence. “Let you deal with it? You’d let the old crone rob you blind.”

But when Tharkay turned to leave Laurence grabbed his wrist. “Stay,” he said. “Please.”

Something flashed across Tharkay’s face but before Laurence could identify the emotion it was gone. He decided to press on.

“I know your work is important to you, but lately I can’t help but wonder if you aren’t pushing yourself too hard. At the rate you’re going you’ll drop dead of exhaustion.”

Tharkay waved his free hand. “I’ve always kept busy. The return of my estate was never going to change that. And we both know I never get sick.”

It was true. Tharkay was the sturdiest, most industrious man Laurence knew. But still. Something had changed. There was a restlessness in his friend that he hadn’t noticed before. He felt his forehead creases multiply.

“I feel as though we never speak anymore. You’re gone for most meals. Hell, I see mere acquaintances more than I do you. It’s hard to believe that we live together.”

“Oh dear. Jane must have really pulled something wicked to have you this out of sorts.“

“It isn’t Jane, and I don’t appreciate your mockery when I’m attempting to convey my honest feelings. You’re a dear friend. And, like Temeraire, I think of you as family, and when I see my family pretending to read the newspaper because he’s too uncomfortable to share what’s bothering—“

Tharkay ripped his wrist free from Laurence’s grip. This time the flash of emotion lasted long enough to identify: anger. But Laurence found anger rising in himself as well. He made another grab for Tharkay—a mistake. Many years had taught him that his friend was very much like the falcon he used to keep as a companion. Calculating, deadly, and with a strong aversion to being trapped. Tharkay sidestepped the lunge and gave him a look of such startling coldness that it froze Laurence where he stood. He’d grown so used to Tharkay’s special regard that he’d almost forgotten that the man had a will of steel that he could wield as a weapon when he chose.

He watched Tharkay grab his hat and gold tipped cane, the shroud of anger surrounding him lending his movements a crisp kind of beauty that reminded Laurence of his time in the navy. His silence remained until the sound of the front door broke the spell.

“Tenzing!” he called and swept after the man. “I worded that poorly, and I didn’t mean to sound harsh. I only wished to…”

He broke off when he realized he was talking to empty air. He thought he would find Tharkay waiting out front for the driver to bring the carriage around. He swiveled around as if he expected his friend to be hiding in the bushes, but he saw nothing until he heard the sound of hooves, and there was Tharkay atop Spitfire. How the man had saddled the horse so quickly, Laurence didn’t know. But if there was anyone capable of impossible speed it was Tharkay.

Laurence called out his name, but the man raced passed without a glance. In a few moments he would be out of hearing distance. Without a care as to who might be listening, Laurence cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, “I don’t care how late your business runs. Come back to eat supper with me.”

But a small cloud of dust was his only answer. Laurence felt himself wilt. It didn’t help that it was uncharacteristically sweltering. He had thought he had grown used to such weather in Australia, but the harsh English winter had reverted him back to his natural disposition. Thinking of the continent put him in mind of some of the daring adventures he and Tharkay had experienced then. He wasn’t aware that he was daydreaming out under the sun until a cry jolted him out of it.

“Ho there!”

The call came from neither in front nor behind—but rather above. Laurence craned back his head and found a grinning Granby waving his hook atop Izkierka’s back. The resplendent red creature breathed a gout of flame in greeting that did nothing to help with the heat of the day. It took all of his gentlemanly training to stifle a groan.

“Hello John,” he said as the captain dismounted. It was as enthusiastic a greeting as he could muster at the moment. Granby greeted him with a solid smack on the back that would have sent a smaller man staggering. As it was, Laurence felt his knees twinge.

“Well you look damn miserable. You were right, Izkierka. We _were_ witness to a snit.”

“A snit?” came a new voice full of angry huffing. “My Laurence in a _snit_?”

Laurence put an instinctive hand back to find Temeraire’s nose. The warm breath his skin met with was both comforting, and discomfiting. He wanted to remove his jacket. Granby, never one to be inconvenienced by social norms, hadn’t even brought one with him.

“Probably fighting over you,” Izkierka put in. She had sidled immediately up to Temeraire and was trying to circle him, though there wasn’t the space for it. Laurence wished they weren’t so close to the house. There had already been several accidents. “Have you been a bad houseguest? That would certainly put a strain between your captain and Tharkay.”

Temeraire let out another angry huff of hot hair. The back of Laurence’s neck received the brunt of it. His forehead was wet with perspiration. “A bad houseguest? Me? The paragon of delightful wit and civilized company?”

Granby rolled his eyes and threw an arm over Laurence’s shoulder. He bent his head close conspiratorially, but his whisper was loud enough for two curious dragons to overhear. “Don’t pay her any mind. She’s always antagonizing when she’s nervous.”

“Nervous?” Laurence couldn’t see many reasons a 20-ton beast with only bloodlust running through her veins could find for trepidation.

“She’s been feeling lonely lately without the spirit of war to soothe her to sleep at night. I think she wants another egg with your dear companion.”

“I certainly do _not_ ,” Izkierka protested, too quickly and loudly. “Whyever would I want another after all the trouble we went through last time? If I never see another egg it’ll still be too soon.”

Temeraire blinked a couple of times, but rallied himself quickly. “Well we’ve already seen that any egg of yours is sure to carry the burden of your personality, and I am not so keen to saddle the world with any more of your progeny.”

Laurence opened his mouth to intervene, but Granby used the dragons’ distraction to duck into the house, arm still slung over his shoulder. When they were safely within, the man let out a laugh and gave Laurence yet another clap on the back.

“They fall for it every time,” he said with a shake of the head. He was already unbuttoning his shirt. It was not much cooler inside. “Well, that should keep them busy for at least an hour. Now you can regale me with the various dents in your domestic dabblings.”

Laurence could only follow as Granby made himself comfortable in his home. The man greeted the maid by name and sent her off to fetch refreshment. He snagged the breakfast plate Laurence had abandoned and sank down in a chair.

Laurence had wondered if the end of the war would lead to a growing distance between himself and his fellows in the corps, but the opposite was true. Now that he had an endless amount of time on his hands he could dedicate more of his efforts to his relationships. He and Granby saw each other nearly every day. But though Laurence treasured the friendship, sometimes Granby’s forwardness still managed to shock him.

“So out with it,” Granby said around a bite of toast. “Jane say something questionable during dinner last night? Tharkay doesn’t strike one as an unreasonable fellow, but he’s so guarded it’s hard to tell when you’ve hit a nerve.”

Laurence briefly debated telling Granby to take a flying leap into the channel but decided his need for advice surpassed his usual policy for unyielding discretion.  He sighed. “She didn’t get a chance. Tharkay found some emergency business to attend to.”

“And scarpered off for what is it? The fifth time now?”

“Third.”

Granby waved his quickly diminishing slice of toast. “At this point even you’ve got to see he’s doing it on purpose.”

“But _why_?” Laurence savagely attacked the knot in his neck-cloth. It really was too hot for such things. “He’s always gotten along well with the other captains. And don’t tell me he’s shirking from the impropriety of it all. Tenzing and Temeraire are of one mind when it comes to all laws—both manmade and godsent.”

Granby was smiling. “I wasn’t going to suggest anything of the sort.”

Laurence wanted to wipe the smirk off his friend’s face. He knew he was probably overreacting, but he was frustrated, and more than a little afraid. Tharkay had done more for Laurence than he could ever begin to repay—to think that he had slighted the man, no, _angered_ him to the extent that he couldn’t stand to be in his company anymore…

“When he invited me to live on his estate, I thought…I don’t know what I thought. But certainly I thought some companionship was desired. I try to learn his schedule, to avail myself to him when he’s around—but he never is! There’s always some business that needs tending or a negotiation that needs sorting or a letter that needs writing. Either he’s the business man in the country, or the mere sight of me turns his stomach.”

The smile on Granby’s face had faded. “I thought we were discussing Jane.”

“We’re not discussing anything. There’s nothing to discuss. He won’t talk to me. This morning at breakfast…”

But Laurence trailed off as he realized he had no desire to share this morning’s little debacle even with one of his dearest friends. He sighed, crossed the room, and slumped heavily into a chair. When he realized he still had his neckcloth crumpled in his fist he tossed it down in disgust.

“Come now, Will,” John said, but it lacked his usual energy.  “It’s not as bad as all that.”

Laurence shook his head. “It’s worse.”

Granby got up and went to him. Laurence turned his face away, embarrassed. But he jumped when he felt the cool press of metal against his temple. It was Granby’s hook.

“You’ve just got to cool your head, that’s all. You both do.”

The hook felt good where it was. His head was pounding with the heat, but he pushed it away. He didn’t want to be comforted. He wanted to act.

“What would you do?” he asked. It was a question that reminded him of their early relationship. Laurence had known nothing of the corps and had routinely turned to his first lieutenant for help.

“It doesn’t matter what _I’d_ do. You’re the one who knows him best.”

Laurence shook his head again. The gesture had grown too familiar over the past few days. “I don’t know what I know anymore. It used to be effortless between us. He’d know what I’d say before I’d said it, and he spoke like he knew my heart better than I did.”

This time Granby rapped the hook atop his head. “Well that’s a simple trick. It’s easy enough to guess at the contents of a man who splits his attention between his two great loves.”

Laurence raised an eyebrow, curious even knowing he wouldn’t like the answer. Granby raised his eyebrows right back at him.

“Honor, and duty.”

Laurence grinned in spite of himself. “Go to hell, John.”

“Hell is listening to you mope.” He tugged Laurence out of the chair. “Let’s go for a ride. Get you out of the house.”

“it’s too hot.”

“Not for swimming it isn’t. Come on. Our darlings can have fish for lunch.”

The self-pitying part of himself wanted to go up to his room and brood in bed, but he’d never done anything like that before and wouldn’t know the first thing about going about it. Instead he retrieved his neckcloth and told Nancy to pack a picnic lunch.

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone is wondering how Tharkay came to be reading the arts and culture section, well, he snatched up the paper when he heard Lawrence's tread on the stairs and opened it at random so as to appear busy.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Too Much Brandy

Laurence was prepared for the long haul. He was parked in his most comfortable chair, accompanied by his favorite brandy, and curled up with his best book. (The retelling of James cook’s adventures to the north pole that had convinced him to become a navy man as a child.) Nancy had long since left for the day, and the bout of flying and swimming earlier ensured that Temeraire would be sleeping long and deep. Nothing would interrupt his discussion with Tharkay.

Flying over the sea had reminded him of his first months with Temeraire. He had been frightened by everything he hadn’t known, but he and Temeraire had made it through together. So too would he and Tharkay make it through this…whatever it is. He was determined not to go to bed until he put the matter to rest. However, as the hours ticked by, and the bottle of brandy lightened, he realized the chair he was sitting in was a little _too_ comfortable.

The click of the door woke him. Had he been in bed he never would have heard it, but he always slept lighter in a chair. The lamp beside him was still lit. He turned it up higher and climbed to his feet.

“Tharkay?”

The room tilted as he straightened, but some rapid blinking took care of that. It had been awhile since he’d been properly drunk, but he was no stranger to the feeling. He was careful as he moved toward the door.

“Have you eaten? I had Nancy set a plate aside for you. It’s duck. Your favorite.”

Tharkay was still in the entrance hall. He stared as Laurence came into view. Laurence looked down at himself. His shirt hung open, all the buttons undone. He didn’t remember doing so, but it _was_ hot in the house. He kept his hand on the wall as he approached.

“You’ll get sick running around so late. What business could you possibly have at this hour.”

Tharkay was still staring. Laurence wondered if he was slurring his words.

“You’re drunk.”

“Yes,” Laurence said, carefully, so the words would come out clearly. “It’s your fault.”

“Held the bottle to your lips, did I?”

“You wouldn’t come home.” He slumped against the wall. “You’re angry at me.”

Tharkay shook his head and dropped his cane into the stand. “Let’s get you to bed.”

“No. you’re going to tell me what I did wrong.”

“A man in your condition is in no state to be issuing commands. How much did you drink, anyway? You’re listing.”

“Let me apologize. I’ll do anything, only please stop this. I can’t bear it.”

Tharkay laughed, a short sound devoid of amusement. “Didn’t the war teach you anything? Humans are capable of withstanding a lot more than logic will have you believe.”

He held an elbow out, but Laurence refused to be led anywhere. He slid down the wall and pressed his cheek to his knees.

“If Jane bothers you so much I won’t have her come to the house.”

“Get off the floor before you fall asleep there. I don’t fancy trying to carry your dead weight.”

Laurence looked up. Tharkay’s face wasn’t quite in focus. “I won’t see her at all if that’s what you wish.”

For a moment Laurence thought he had stumbled upon the answer, but Tharkay’s silence was just a lead-up to his reaction.

“Are you an idiot? If you’re going to speak nonsense, do it into your pillow where no one can hear you.”

Despite Tharkay’s recent attestation, Laurence was strong-armed to his feet and pointed toward the stairs. Climbing them was a feat made more difficult by Laurence’s struggles.

“it’s not nonsense! I would do anything to—”

“If I were Jane I would hit you for saying that. As it is I’ll chalk it up to your drinking, so long as you don’t say another word on the subject.”

“Then I’ll say it again tomorrow when I’m sober. You’re my dearest friend, and I would—”

Tharkay pushed him up against the wall. they had reached the landing, but Laurence still had one foot on the stairs. It was a precarious position, and one he was ill-suited to in his current state. He was about to suggest that they continue the argument on level ground when he was silenced by a pair of furious, not-at-all-romantic, lips. Tharkay kissed him for just long enough to send all his drunken rhetoric out the window. Then he pushed himself off and let Laurence slide down the wall.

“There. That should make everything perfectly understandable. Good night.”

He turned to leave. Laurence made a grab for his hand, missed, and nearly fell down the stairs.

“Wait! Where are you going?”

Tharkay didn’t pause. “You can have Nancy toss anything of mine. No need to trouble yourself.”

Laurence tried to follow, but Tharkay turned around and froze him with a glare. “If any of your warmth survived my assault, I pray you allow me the bare dignity of an escape so that this embarrassing charade can finally come to an end. _Good night._ ”

The words were spoken with such finality that Laurence didn’t think to oppose him until the front door slammed. Even then he didn’t move, though his mind screamed at him to follow. It wasn’t the kiss that stopped him. He had experienced his fair share of adolescent exploration. (A young boy surrounded by nothing but other horny boys and the open sea could hardly be expected to forever resist curiosity.) but it was the tide of his memories, all suddenly altered with new context, that froze him. How many times had he and Jane flaunted their relationship before Tharkay? And how many more dinner refusals would it have taken for him to see the truth on his own?

He stood up. The house shifted beneath his feet and bile rose up in his throat. He forced it down and took the stairs down, one at a time, until he was out the door. He was only halfway to the pavilion when he heard Temeraire’s voice.

“Laurence! Laurence! What is it? Are you dying?”

A wing came round to shield him, and one great blue eye peered closely, seeming even larger than usual as it widened in concern. Laurence tried to assure him that he was unharmed, but his voice was not up to the task. It cracked on the dragon’s name and Laurence sank to his knees. He could not remember the last time he had cried, but it was longer than Temeraire had been alive.

“We must fetch a doctor at once, but I cannot leave you so—Oh, but you cannot die. You musn’t. I know! I’ll carry you in my claws and not jostle you in the slightest. Can you make it to the covert, do you think? I know they have doctors there and it is big enough to land.”

Laurence tried again. This time all he managed was a groan that petered out halfway formed. “No.”

“Does that mean you cannot be moved? Tell me what to do. I don’t--Tharkay! Tharkay come quickly! Laurence is—”

At the sound of Tharkay’s name Laurence was thrown into a round of fresh hysterics that threw his previous sobbing to shame. Temeraire looked ready to swallow his own tongue. His eyes were darting every which way and his claws were making deep grooves in the dirt on either side of Laurence.

“He’s gone,” Laurence choked out. His crying appalled him, but he had always been an emotional drunk. It was the main reason he never allowed himself to come to such a state. “He’s left. For good.”

“Of course he hasn’t. He’s your nest mate.”

“My what?”

Temeraire didn’t look happy to be distracted from his worrying, but as Laurence climbed onto his foreleg and forced an end to his tears, he wasn’t given an alternative.

“My mother explained it to me. While it’s true that dragons can mate with many others if they choose, they don’t have to. One of my cousins, an imperial, has a nest mate. They live in the same enclosure, have for years. My mother said the connection can be even stronger than a dragon and their captain. Which isn’t true, of course, I told her I could never love anyone more than you, but she only laughed and told me I was very young. I didn’t like that very much, and decided I would scare off anyone who tried to be nest mates with you, but, well, Tharkay can be an exception, I suppose, since he cares so very much about both of us, and he has saved you all the times I couldn’t.”

“A nest mate,” Laurence said. “He was, wasn’t he?”

Temeraire used the tip of his tongue to swipe at the tears. Laurence knew from experience that it was not a wet tongue, and braced himself for the rough sandpaper that briefly covered the entire right side of his face.

“Can we go to the hospital now?” Temeraire asked.

His tail thumped the ground behind him, but otherwise his agitation was surprisingly controlled. Laurence tried for a smile that turned into a grimace.

“I’m afraid it won’t help much.” He steadied himself on the foreleg. “Take me to John.”

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please help my floundering boys


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Lawrence is Exhausting

Temeraire didn’t question the decision. No doubt he thought Granby would have some magic solution to the strange fit that had overtaken his captain. As promised, the ride was very smooth. Laurence didn’t bother with a harness. Instead he curled up in the warm cage of Temeraire’s claws and closed his eyes. He may have napped because no time seemed to pass between lift off and landing. Temeraire set him carefully on his feet, but called out to Granby rather than risk Laurence walking the hundred meters to the door. Granby came out in nothing but a nightshirt just as Izkierka shot a flurry of flame into the sky.

“Is it a battle?” the forever-ready dragon crowed. “I knew it couldn’t be long before the next war.”

“Bite your tongue!” Granby hissed and raced to Laurence, and then, in a low voice. “ _Is_ it a battle?”

Laurence shook his head, suddenly embarrassed. Coming to Granby had seemed perfectly logical, but the brief nap had brought a little sobriety with it, and he realized he had no idea what he was doing. “Not at all. It’s only a little personal trouble. I did not mean to barge in with such a ruckus. You should return to bed, and I’ll—”

“Don’t be absurd! You look dreadful. White as my poor dead aunt. Come inside where the snoops can’t eavesdrop. I’ll get you a drink.”

“Please. I’ve had too many of those already.”

His embarrassment was only growing. Granby blinked and then offered an arm. “You? Drunk?”

“Don’t get used to it.”

He allowed himself to be herded inside. Instead of the parlor, Granby helped him to a seat by the kitchen table, and then went about the business of preparing tea.

“It’s Tharkay,” Laurence said, when he could stand it no longer.

Granby plunked the kettle onto the stove and sighed. “Confessed then, has he? I thought he might, though he swore he wouldn’t.”

If Granby hadn’t seated Laurence so well, he might have slid clean off the chair. “You _knew_?”

Granby gave the kettle an unnecessary adjustment and didn’t answer.

“You let me flounder in ignorance while all the while—"

Granby whirled around. “Come off it! The bloke follows you to nearly every continent on the map, almost dies multiple times in the process, and then shows up to live with you with no explanation once the war is over? That level of obtuse blindness should be beyond even you.”

“He never gave me any indication to the nature of his feelings!”

“Christ, Will. Have you forgotten how much he’s changed? He gave up everything for you. His way of life, his ceaseless adventures. He did whatever he could to become the man you could have by your side, waiting until he won back his estate before coming to offer himself to you, as an equal.”

“He should have told me. I could have—”

“What? Gotten down on your knees and sucked him off?”

“John!”

“That’s what I thought.”

Laurence stood up so sharply his chair clattered to the floor behind him. “You know how much I love him. How I would have gladly lived out the rest of my days with him, seeking no replacement—”

“Except, of course, for the nights you spend rolling around with Jane.”

Laurence pressed his lips together. Granby left the stove and crowded around him. “Did you expect him to bear it? To hold his hands over his ears as the man he loved moaned a woman’s name?”

“I offered to stop seeing her.”

He didn’t mention that the offer was less than an hour old. In any case, Granby wasn’t exactly blown away.

“That’s clearly more impressive than, say, following the country’s most famous traitor to a desert land full of man eating slug things, nearly dying in a brush fire, and spending months leading you on the hunt for a missing dragon egg.”

“I didn’t mean—”

 “Or getting tortured nearly to death on a mission he undertook because of you, losing proper use of his hands for months—or maybe forever. I think he still has some stiffness, there. But you wouldn’t know, of course, because if he didn’t tell you, how could you _possibly_ figure—”

“John.” He pressed a hand over his eyes. “Enough.”

Granby took a step back. “Let me get that tea.”

But Laurence had no stomach for tea, or anything else.

“What do I do? How can I fix this?”

Granby’s hand twitched. “You can’t _fix_ an invert, Will.”

The bitterness in his voice was familiar. It was a long-ago phenomenon, Temeraire had been a baby, really, in his first year of life, but Laurence would never forget it, and he was a man who tried to learn from his mistakes. This time he was quick to jump in with an explanation.

“Dear god, no that isn’t what I--Tharkay is perfect the way he is. Wouldn’t change a thing. No. what I need for you is your help me get him back.”

Granby set the kettle down again. It seemed they were not destined to have that cup of tea.

“Get him back?”

“Of course. I have no intention of living without him.”

Granby turned fully around and looked at Laurence as if seeing him for the first time. “I think I’m misunderstanding. You mean to bring Tharkay, who has been madly in love with you for eons, back into your home, where you wish to do, what, exactly?”

“Live with him. And I don’t think you should use that term. Tharkay is the most level-headed man I know. He wouldn’t be mad about anything.”

“Damn the phrasing, and damn your drunkenness, you do realize things can’t be as they’ve been until now, right?”

“They’d better not be. I spent all day talking your ear off about how disappointed I am in our current state of affairs. How quickly you forget.”

“It’s you who is forgetting himself. Do you really expect Tharkay to stand around playing hostess to your lovers?”

“Lovers? I told him I would end it with Jane!”

“How gracious! Is he supposed to bow and scape to such sacrifice? I could hit you, Will. I really could.”

It was the second time that night a dear friend was threatening him with violence. Laurence wished he could say he was a stranger to such things.

“So tell me what to do! Help me.”

He grabbed Granby’s sleeve. It wasn’t made of much. A linen shirt so thin it was semi-transparent. Granby laughed.

“Help you? You poor sod. Help you how? Shall I wave my magic wand and turn you into an invert?”

He wrenched himself free of Laurence’s grip, partially tearing the stitching on his shoulder.

“I’m in earnest, Granby. You must help me. I can’t bear the thought of--”

“ _You_ can’t bear it? And what of Tharkay? I love you, Will, but if you think I’ll let him suffer another minute in your house you’re even more bullheaded than I’ve come to believe.”

“But I can--”

“Stop. I’ve put up with too many of your stubborn notions over the years to be blind to what you’re thinking. There’s nothing you can do now but let him go.”

“I refuse.”

“It will be difficult, given how much you’ve been through together, but you have to think about how he feels. If you were in his position--”

“I love him.”

“Bugger that you do! It doesn’t change the fact that your feelings and his feelings are of an entirely different sort!”

“I’ll do anything for him. Whatever he wants. Only please bring him back to me. Please, John.”

“You’re not listening!”

“You’re right. And I won’t listen to anything else either until you get him back.”

“Are you a child?”

“He’s my family. He’s Temeraire’s family. Please.”

Granby sighed, loud and long. Laurence let go and took a step back, not wishing to crowd now that he sensed a glimmer of capitulation.

“What did he say to you before he left?”

“Nothing really. He warned me not to come after him.”

“So you came here to enlist me for the job instead?”

Laurence clenched his hands so they wouldn’t fidget. “Yes.”

“Unbelievable.”

Granby turned off the stove and left the room. Laurence followed him up the stairs to the bedroom. Granby pulled his night shirt over his head and reached for the shirt he’d worn that day, wrinkled and smelling of sea air, that was hanging off the back of a chair. Laurence didn’t bother turning away. There wasn’t much use for modesty in the corps. He had seen Granby, and many of the other captains, in various stages of nakedness countless times. Granby paused with one arm in a sleeve. He turned to Laurence and gestured toward his body.

“This is what Tharkay looks like. Whatever you’re brewing in that mind of yours, you can’t escape reality.”

“I have no intentions of escaping anything. And you’re wrong. Tharkay is better looking than you.”

Granby shoved his other hand into his sleeve. “I’m trying to be serious here. If you can’t imagine being with him, there’s no way you’ll ever be able to--”

Laurence crossed the room and kissed his friend on the mouth. He did it properly. He drew him close, cradled his face with both hands, and slipped him a tasteful amount of tongue. Granby pulled away with, what Laurence thought, was an excessive amount of spluttering.

“What in god’s name are you doing?”

Granby swiped at his mouth. Laurence kept his chin up.

“Showing you that I can handle myself. I told you I would do whatever he wants. You didn’t believe me.”

“One drunken kiss isn’t going to convince anyone that you’re ready for a committed relationship.”

Laurence could resist no longer. He crossed his arms over his chest. “It’s a start. Besides, I don’t have to convince anyone besides Tharkay, and he’s always been better at understanding me than you have.”

“He understands only too well. That’s why he left.”

“I was hurting him. I won’t do that anymore.”

“Are you really such a fool? It wasn’t himself he was sparing, it was you!”

Granby jerked his shirt into alignment and began to do up the buttons, his fingers clumsy with agitation.

“He didn’t want you to deal with the discomfort of being loved by a man. He knew you would react this way, all chivalry and accommodation--well, I don’t think he figured on you kissing him the way you just did me, but he knew you would feel badly. And if you come to him with this damned fool idea of… pretending at homosexuality, he’ll be furious.”

“But why? If I don’t mind then--”

“Would you like it if the man you loved slept with you out of pity?”

“It isn’t pity!”

“It isn’t free will either. If not for Tharkay’s feelings you would never---”

“If not for Tharkay I would be dead. If not for Temeraire I might be married to Mrs. Galman. If not for my mother I wouldn’t have been born. Don’t needle me with pointless what if’s when my Tenzing is out there somewhere in the merciless night harboring under the delusion that he isn’t welcome in my presence!”

Sometime during this exclamation, he had grabbed hold of Granby’s shirtfront, interrupting his dressing. He stared down at his hands, then back into Granby’s face. Granby blinked at him.

“I don’t know what’s worse, to be loved or hated by you. Either prospect is terrifying.”

Laurence began to button where Granby had left off. “You can insult me later. Where can we find him?”

Granby brushed away Laurence’s hands and grabbed his pants. “Knowing Tharkay? He could be halfway to China by now.”

Laurence had to grab hold of the furniture for support. “You’re saying he’s gone already?”

“I’m saying he’s long since mastered the disappearing act. If he doesn’t want to be found, there’s no way any of us are going to stand a chance.”

With a low groan Laurence sank onto the chair and buried his face in his hands.

“Come now, Will. You aren’t the type to despair. Where’s that ghastly stubbornness of yours?”

Laurence pressed his covered face to his knees. “Why couldn’t I have realized sooner? I should have gone after him this morning. Why didn’t I? This stupid fear of intervening has cost me dearly numerous times before and now I’m being punished for years of casual cruelty. Oh Damn, damn, thrice damn me to hell.”

“That’s enough.”

Granby hauled him up by the arm and pushed him toward the door, holding up his pants with his other hand. As they were coming down the stairs, another body rushed up to meet them.

“Hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Little said in his usual dry way with a pointed look at the pants Granby was struggling to buckle one-handed.

“Augustine,” Granby said, already reaching out. “Thank god for you. I need help with this heterosexual buffoon.”

Little ignored his lover’s arms and speared Laurence with an all-too-discerning eye. “Temeraire is a mess. Said you nearly drowned in a sea of tears. Why did you leave him so?”

The sound that left Granby could be described as a squawk. “ _You_ were _crying_?”

Little shot him a look as well. “Both of you are going to go calm your dragons before they crush the house in their attempts to eavesdrop.”

And so saying he grabbed both their arms and pulled them down the remaining steps and out the door. Temeraire scooped Laurence up before he made it half a dozen steps.

“Laurence! Did Granby help? He doesn’t think you’ll die, right?”

“If he does, it will be all your fault,” Izkierka said. “Letting his nest-mate run off like that...though I suppose that can only be expected from a dragon perpetually losing his crew.”

“Oh! As if you weren’t the first one to poach when you stole Granby!”

“He was happy to come with me. You probably didn’t take care of him as you should have.”

“At least I kept both his hands intact!”

“What is a nestmate?” Immortalis asked, long accustomed to the quibbling of his dragon friends.

“An always-together mate,” Izkierka said, as if Temeraire had not just taught her the word. “Laurence’s just left.”

Little’s eyebrows drew together. “Did something happen to Roland?”

“Not Jane!” Izkierka snorted. “She’s just a normal mate. I meant the other one. Tharkay.”

Laurence groaned, it was quiet but Granby still hit his arm. “Don’t you start that again. Augustine, where could we find him?”

“Tharkay? Nick told me he went home.”

“Nick?” Laurence said.

“Tharkay’s mate,” Immortalis said.

Laurence was stuck dumb. Temeraire swiveled his head around, ready to knock Immortalis into the dirt for further alarming his captain.

“It’s not like that,” Granby hurried to say. “Tharkay isn’t in love with him or anything. He just uses him, for, well, stress relief.”

“How eloquent,” Little said. “I can’t wait to hear your description of me.”

Granby climbed up onto Izkierka and hooked himself onto a spare bit of harness that she kept around her neck, similar to the way Laurence used Temeraire’s collar. “We can ask around the covert. Tharkay’s famous around the dragons, and Arcady and his band are particularly bad gossips. If anyone can figure out where he’s gone, they can.”

“Great. And what will you do when a swarm of dragons goes careening around the streets of London looking for him?” Little said, but he was already clipping himself onto Immortalis.

The flight further sobered Laurence, but came at a price. By the time they landed, his mouth was parched and he had a headache. Still, he was the first to dismount, and took off for Arkady’s pavilion at a run. By the time he and Temeraire made it, half the dragons were awake and the other half would soon follow. There were several cries of “Is it another war?” When Arkady realized he was to be the center of all attention. He puffed himself up and tapped at the medal around his neck (he never took it off, not even to sleep or bathe). But Temeraire was still in the middle of parsing out their current situation in Durzagh when Izkierka landed beside the Pavilion with Granby clinging to one of her claws.

“America,” he burst out as he jumped to the ground. “He’s taken a commission in the colonies. His ship leaves at daybreak. The Chrysanthemum.”

Laurence’s eyes flicked to the horizon. It was already growing lighter, the sky the medium purple of ending night. Laurence’s heart jumped into his throat. He climbed back aboard Temeraire without a word.

“Wait. Laurence.” Granby scrambled up onto Temeraire’s foreleg and gestured to be lifted. Temeraire dumped him beside his captain, and leapt into the air at the sound of his carabiner clicking onto his chain. Izkierka was quick to follow.

“Give me back my captain!”

“Hush!” Granby called over.

“Just because I stole you from him once he thinks you can take you back.”

“For the love of god! I don’t belong to either of you! I’m my own person and it’s about time you both realized it!”

For once, Izkierka looked embarrassed, but it was quickly revealed not to be for any logical reason.

“Is this your way of telling me that Laurence is your nest mate?”

“WHAT?”

“Well, I saw him kiss you through the window and I figured now that Tharkay is gone he’s chosen you as his replacement. And I know you’re worried about me being jealous, but he used to be your captain, and you used to always go on about how dashing and handsome he is AND I had an egg with his dragon so I suppose I could handle you living with him, just as long as you allow me to build a pavilion on the estate and maybe sleep with me every other night and remember that I’m still more important than he is.”

“You…you can’t honestly believe… _does absolutely every aspect of my life have to center around you?”_

Izkierka looked concerned about her captain’s lack of intelligence. “Of course.”

Laurence bent over to speak to Temeraire. “My dear, you’ve been flying on and off for hours, pray let’s stop and get you some water, maybe something to eat.”

“No time,” Temeraire grunted. It was clear his focus was on flying not conversation. The problem with flying was that it left nothing for Laurence to do except to sit back and think about how royally he’d fucked things up. Worse, he was being inundated by memories he was now forced to view in a new light. For instance, that night about a month after they started living together when Tharkay fell asleep at the desk while writing correspondence, he touched his shoulder to wake him and encourage him to go to bed (neither of them were all that young anymore and falling asleep on random furniture was rarely a pleasant experience come morning). However instead of starting awake as he was want to do, Tharkay had remained in a sleepy daze as he brought Laurence’s hand to his mouth and kissed it. When it happened, Laurence chuckled, assuming he was being mistaken for someone else, a childhood sweetheart, or perhaps Sarah Maden, but now it was clear that there had been no mistake. In his barely conscious state, Tharkay had let slip his true feelings, and Laurence had been too blind to see it.

Izkierka was having some difficulties keeping up with Temeraire’s pace, but was trying not to show it. Laurence decided to focus on that instead of his memories.

“Should you not ask her to fall back? She may hurt herself.”

Granby shook his head. “If I suggest she’s having trouble she’ll only push herself harder. Besides, at this speed she can’t waste any breath on her ridiculous theories. I’m only glad Augustine wasn’t around to hear such nonsense.” He went on to explain that Little had stayed behind to send a message to Jane just in case their little expedition caused a ruckus among civilians and she was forced to deal with the fallout. Besides, there was no way a yellow reaper could keep up with a heavy weight.

Granby made several attempts to question Laurence about his plan, but when he continuously received no answer, he gave up, and they flew in silence. The truth was, Laurence didn’t have a plan. An apology would only anger Tharkay, and any offer he made to correct the situation would insult him. So he stewed in nervous miserable silence and hoped he would miraculously know what to do once he faced his friend.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lawrence is turning into a kissing machine and I have no regrets.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: The kidnapping

The sky was several shades of pink and orange by the time the harbor came into view.

“That one,” Temeraire said, and pointed his snout toward what might as well have been a set of blurry matchsticks. Laurence wished he had his spyglass with him. It was several interminable minutes more before _The Chrysanthemum_ was close enough to make out. It wasn’t a large vessel. Laurence knew that size didn’t account for a ship’s strength, but even with many years of the Navy tucked under his belt, he eyed the ship with consternation. That little thing was supposed to carry his precious friend across thousands of miles of choppy ocean? He didn’t like it. He didn’t like it at all. It didn’t help that he knew nothing about the ship’s captain or crew. Granby hadn’t asked for any names. A hand appeared on his shoulder.  
“No matter what happens—”

“Don’t,” Laurence said. The hand dropped away.

There was nowhere to land. The pier was clogged with early morning activity. He spent a couple of minutes looking around with increasing panic, but Temeraire took matters into his own hands, and dropped himself into the ocean far enough away that he wouldn’t capsize any of the ships. (well, any of the significant ones anywhere. Several small fishing and transport boats were upended in the ensuing wave.) Temeraire was paddling up to the ship when a white-faced Tharkay appeared at the railing, looking as furious as Laurence had ever seen him.

“I might have found your presumption impressive if I weren’t the current object of it.”

Temeraire raised his head until Laurence was eye-level with his friend. He reached for the railing, intending to climb aboard, but Tharkay pulled a knife from his belt and held it out before him, a warning. Temeraire growled. Laurence pressed a hand to the dragon’s neck. He himself felt calm. He reached again for the railing, not paying a passing thought to the knife. He had one leg over when Tharkay pressed the weapon’s edge to his neck. Temeraire’s growl became a whine.

“Fear not, my dear, he would never hurt me.”

He swung his other leg over, and the knife didn’t so much as nick him. Tharkay dropped the useless thing onto the deck, but his rage hadn’t gone anywhere. When Laurence reached for him, Tharkay’s hand shot out, grabbed him around the neck, and shoved him back against the railing.

“You don’t get to touch me,” he hissed. “Not now. Not ever.”

“Tenzing,” Laurence said again. It came out as a rasp. He was only getting about half the oxygen he needed.

Tharkay dropped his hand, but refused to look at him, raising his eyes instead to Granby, who was still seated up on Temeraire. “Why did you bring him here? Do you hate me?”

“He tried to stop me,” Laurence said. “I would not be deterred.”

“And neither will I. Go home, Will.”

“No. It isn’t home without you.”

Tharkay raised his hand, as if to hit him, but clenched it into a fist and lowered it. “I have nothing more to say to you.”

“No matter. I have plenty to say. Will you listen?”

“I would sooner impale myself on the anchor than listen to another word of your senseless melodrama.”

Laurence grabbed Tharkay by the front of his jacket. Technically, he wasn’t touching him.

“I may be senseless, but at least I’m trying. You surrendered before the battle began.”

“Are you a prize then? The treasure to be won?”

“You won me long ago, Tenzing. Surely you know that.”

He lowered his voice as he said it, and still Tharkay shuddered. “Release me.”

“So that you can flitter off to America and get killed by some strange disease before I can come up with a way to lure you back? No. Give me any other order, but not that one.”

“I don’t want to have to hurt you, Will.”

“Then stop all this nonsense about leaving and kiss me. I swear it will be nicer than before. I practiced on Granby.”

That was almost enough to distract him, but Tharkay was unfairly strong in all aspects. He grabbed Laurence by the wrists and broke his hold. Laurence scrambled to regain it, and was punched in the jaw for his trouble. He wasn’t a small man, but Tharkay had not held back, and Laurence almost hit the deck. He caught himself on one knee and struggled to stand. Tharkay grabbed him by his ponytail and wrenched his head back.

Laurence swiped at the blood on his chin. “You’ll have to do worse than that, Tenzing. A lot worse.”

“No. Temeraire will do my work for me.”

It was true. Laurence could see Temeraire’s agitation in his peripherals. Tharkay had calculated well. Granby wouldn’t be able to stop him.

“Temeraire! I forbid you from—”

“You said he wouldn’t hurt you! You said!”

“Remember how I was earlier? I will be like that every day if you allow him to leave. This pain is nothing. Do you understand? It won’t—Temeraire!”

The snapping of the railing brought forward the sailors that, until that moment, had been too cowed by the dragons to voice their objections.

“Off! Off my ship!” the captain yelled. “I know who you are, that traitor who got transported, and I won’t stand—”

“If I wasn’t afraid of turning traitor do you really suppose whatever you can serve out will have any effect on me? Leave off and get back to your work. I’ll pay for the damage later.”

Several feet away, Granby pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m sorry. He’s had a lot to drink, and his best friend is abandoning him. He isn’t usually like this.”

“On the contrary,” said Tharkay. “From the moment I met him he's been like this, never taking no for an answer, and pushing those around him to the brink of insanity. It’s a wonder any of us have any teeth left what with the way we’re always gnashing them around him.”

Laurence felt a moment of relief at, what sounded like, the usual witty attacks on his personality. But a look at Tharkay’s face revealed terrible hurt. His lips were pressed tight together and his hands, though bunched, held a tremor Laurence had never seen before. As he looked at his friend, a staggering weight of tender regrets hit him in the chest. Even when Tharkay had been half-strangling him it hadn’t been this difficult to breathe.

“My dearest--”

Tharkay flinched as if he had been struck. Laurence quickly amended his address.

“Tenzing, I have a proposal for you. Please hear me out. If not for me, then for your own pragmatic sense to end a thing properly.”

Tharkay’s breaths were both visible and audible. He looked like he wanted to finish the throttling job he’d started.

“You dare presume—”

“Yes,” Laurence said, for it was the truth. He could no sooner let Tharkay go than release Temeraire. His soul was tied to both. “I promise that, if after hearing me out, you’re still committed to abandoning your hard-won estate for some treacherous journey to an unknown land, I will not stop you.”

“I’ve already resolved myself to going. And I’m leaving on this ship.”

“The hell you are,” Granby interrupted. “It hasn’t even got a proper railing.” He patted the splintered end of Temeraire’s handiwork. “I’m no boat connoisseur, but if this is what they display on the outside, who knows what god awful mess they’ve got the important shit tangled in. I won’t have my dear friend running off on this death trap. No indeed.”

Laurence, who had instinctively shuddered at the word “boat,” pushed aside his need to correct Granby to focus on salvaging the situation. Tharkay was outraged.

“You were the one dead set against me moving in with him! Start your life elsewhere, you said, move on.”

Laurence’s hand leapt to his breast, stunned by such treachery. Granby would certainly _not_ be receiving any more of his kisses.

“How was I supposed to predict such a reaction from him? He’s hysterical without you. Can’t process the shock of it. The least you can do is hear the poor man out, give him some closure over the thing. You know how much he needs order in the—”

“Off!” the captain roared again, only this time he grabbed both Laurence and Tharkay by the collars of their jackets and flung them toward his rail. He was flanked on either side by well-muscled sailors. However, no human, however he was sized, could pose a threat to even one of the small carrier dragons. Temeraire was already swelling. Laurence did the only thing he could. He grabbed Tharkay and shoved him into Granby’s waiting arms before Temeraire could commit countless acts of murder. Tharkay let out an indignant hiss at the sudden change in motion, but Granby shoved him down behind Temeraire’s head and clipped him to the collar with the split second perfection accrued from countless years of practice. Laurence didn’t try to clip himself on first before he was roaring at Temeraire to go. They were already back above open water, the _Chrysanthemum_ quickly fading into the distance, before he reached the space where they were sitting. He took a breath to ready himself, but Tharkay was faster.

“If you expected a kidnapping would make me receptive to your plans, let me assure you, it has not. As soon as I am back on the ground I shall book the first ship out of the harbor. If you try and stop me again I shall get all the ferals to detain you until I’m well on my way.”

Laurence felt himself pale with the acid of the words. Luckily, he had one ready to champion him.

“How you talk!” Temeraire twisted his head round to look at them. He didn’t like to do so mid-flight, but apparently his outrage warranted it. “After all the worry you’ve put us through, leaving Laurence to come chasing out after you in the middle of the night. Maybe I was mistaken in calling you his nest-mate. I can’t see how anyone who loved him would act to hurt him so. I certainly never would!”

Most men would have quailed beneath the fury of a dragon, but Tharkay was made of the sterner stuff. “Do not mistake melodrama for the genuine article, dear dragon. We all know Laurence would not be acting thus had he not a bottle of spirits sloshing around inside him. Some water and a nap will put him back in his place, and then we may cease this abhorrent spectacle. I should wonder at you encouraging him in this. To what purpose have you have inflamed him? Now that my plans have been spoilt, shall there be more indignities to suffer through, or are you satisfied with what you’ve wrought? I would have thought that after all our time together you may have spared an inkling of your worry for my own feelings instead of leaping to brand me the villain.”

The cold competence of the words could not mask the truth. Tharkay’s knuckles were bone white as they threatened to crush the collar links beneath them. Laurence ached to pull those hands away and rub the feeling back into them, but he knew the gesture would not be welcome.

“Tenzing, if I may…”

“You mayn’t,” Tharkay snapped. “if I must be subjected to your words I will do so when I have the luxury of making a storming exit.”

Laurence turned a beseeching look to Granby, but his friend shook his head. Laurence leaned forward and settled both hands on Temeraire’s neck. A stiff uncomfortable silence reigned on the way home broken only by some words between Granby and Izkierka. The red dragon had caught up with them quickly and had settled into a sulk. The effectiveness of it was spoiled by the tuna fin caught in her teeth. When the estate came into view, it was Granby, once again, who spoke.

“Izkierka and I will leave to give you a chance to discuss things. I won’t try to influence your choices, I only say that I was foolish to advise you as I did, Tharkay. I fear I may have caused unnecessary damage. I should not have dashed your hopes the way I did, nor encouraged you to keep your feelings a secret. I insulted Laurence in assuming he would react with disgust. It’s my own past dealings with heterosexual men that have embittered me. I should not have projected the same feelings onto our friend. I joke about him being a slave to duty, but his actions have often proved otherwise. I hope that if I were in your place I would not spurn him before he had the chance to state his case. We both know how difficult it is for him to speak about matters of the heart. The fact that he has been forcing himself to do so is an attestation to the depths of his feelings.”

Tharkay said nothing to the words, but the way he bent his head hinted that he absorbed them. When they landed, Granby was the first to unclip himself and slide down. Izkierka, unburdened by the sensitivities of humans, had landed first and immediately rushed to nose at him. As Granby was lifted, he looked at both of them and sighed.

“My own feelings should not play into it, but I’m selfish enough to remind you both that I would be devastated if either of you was to leave. Good luck, my friends. It goes without saying, but my home is always open to you.”

Laurence felt his throat swell at the man’s words. Granby was not usually one for such grand statements, and that made them all the more precious. He stared up at them until Izkierka looked no larger than a horse before returning his eyes back to the challenge ahead of him. He expected Tharkay’s eyes to be hard, but he looked wistful as he stared after the retreating Granby. Some of his hair had come loose from its knot and played gently in the bare summer breeze.

“You’re beautiful,” Laurence said before he could stop himself.

Tharkay came back to himself with a jolt and scowled. It was almost a pleasure to see it. Anything that wasn’t Tharkay’s carefully arranged passivity was a treat. “With a beginning like that, I can assure you this conversation will be short.”

Laurence cursed himself for his stupidity and wished he’d never touched that brandy. This moment was too important to leave to anything but his sharpest wits. He cleared his throat and gestured toward the house. “Please.”

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait guys, I was out of the country. Updates should be very quick in coming from now on. Thank you to the lovely readers who left their comments. They mean a lot to me.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: A failure of imagination

He headed straight for the kitchen and took down the coffee. He would sharpen himself as much as he could. Tharkay sat at the small kitchen table in silence while Laurence prepared two mugs. He thought about preparing some sandwiches, but worried his friend would interpret the motion as a purposeful delay. He prepared the coffee as they both liked it (Tharkay took it black, and to his own he added a dollop of milk). When he brought the mugs to the table Tharkay paid no notice to the one placed in front of him. Laurence took a bracing swallow and tried to gather his thoughts. When he had mentioned a proposition on the ship it had been an attestation of desperation, not the true seeds of a plan. On the flight back he had tried to make something of it, but his treacherous mind kept turning away to focus on useless things like panic, and the loneliness of a life sans Tharkay. He cleared his throat.

“I want you to stay.”

Tharkay waited, but when nothing else came out to follow, he pressed his palms to the table and stood. “Right, I think we’re done here.”

Laurence lunged around the table to stop him. He only just remembered the ban on touching in time and clamped his hands to his sides.

“When Temeraire hatched I thought I would content myself with solitude, but that was before you came into my life. Please. I can’t imagine a life without you.”

Tharkay’s back reminded Laurence’s of his father’s, stiff and unyielding. “Your lack of imagination is not grounds enough to determine my life’s path.”

Laurence knew that, and he knew that he did not have the words to express himself, and he also knew that there was a very real possibility he might never see Tharkay again when the man turned his back, and that threatened to paralyze him entirely.

“No.” The word was a denial of the situation, not a reply. “There are so many things I need to say but I can’t think with the threat of your leaving pressing down on my chest. Please, Tenzing, a little time—”

He cut himself off as he found the answer he had been seeking: time. “I must beg a little more of your patience. That is the answer, and I swear I will do you right with it.”

The anger in Tharkay’s eyes had been temporarily offset by the sudden change of tone. Laurence allowed himself, just this once, to take advantage of it, and pressed forth with the offer taking shape in his mind. “Give me a few months, no, even just a month, to prove to you that we can be happy together. I know my behavior until now has been abominable, but you must know it wasn’t intentional. And now that my eyes have finally been opened to the state of things, I will not sink into ignorance again. You delight me; in your words and actions and expressions, you are unlike any man I’ve ever met. But if it were merely a matter of enjoyment I would not detain you so. You must be aware of how you have shaped me, Tenzing. How you have always, no matter the circumstances, set me on the best path whenever I have strayed, and that has been often. You, more than anyone, has the ability to cut through my bullish pig-headedness. I hate the man I was before I met you. Just thinking of his superior self-righteousness makes me gag. I cannot be him again. I must not. To think of how I let Temeraire suffer with all my ‘correct’ notions of what was right... My mind goes back to the dragon sickness over and over. How could I have hesitated over the matter of the cure? The fact that I let Temeraire believe, even briefly, that he would have to suffer my rejection is not to be born, and would never have occurred had you been by my side. When I am with you my doubt is erased. You aren’t just a moral compass to me; you are the paradigm of everything I could hope to become. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I know no better person than you. And so, man or woman, I would have you by my side always. I cannot erase the hurt I’ve caused, but if I have truly managed to win your heart, I promise I will find ways to justify your feelings. You will not have wasted them on me, Tenzing. Please, _please_ give me the time to show you that.”

As he spoke, the spark of hope in him fizzled. He was a mess, and his words reflected that. He had not said anything worthy enough to call an ‘argument,’ and now Tharkay would show him the disdain such rambling deserved, and be on his way. He struggled to clutch at the embers of hope, but knew it was no good. He would have to let go. But just for a moment more, he told himself, he would hold all that was Tharkay for just one more breath before he forced himself to release him.

He had squeezed his eyes closed as he spoke, unable to face the prospect of rejection, but when nothing moved for a good number of breaths, he allowed himself to crack them open. What he saw made his hesitant eyes go wide. Tharkay’s eyes were wet. He did not cry. Laurence didn’t know if the man could do such a thing anymore, but the way his eyes shined spoke to an influx of emotions that took his breath away. Laurence felt one of his hands move. Slowly, as carefully as he had lowered the bit of harness on Temeraire the first time, he laid the tips of his fingers to Tharkay’s cheek. He had never thought to do such a thing before, and was surprised at the soft warmth that met his touch. Tharkay had always seemed too impenetrable to be made of the same stuff as the rest of the human race. The awe he felt made his voice hoarse. “May I kiss you?”

Tharkay’s laugh was shaky, not at all like his usual one. “If I’d known what a hungry savage you’d become I never would have tried it in the first place.”

Laurence’s touch grew bolder. His hand moved to cradle Tharkay’s face, his thumb brushed over the slight stubble of his cheek. “That kiss spoke nothing of your enjoyment. I would replace it with something better.”

Tharkay took in a breath and stepped back away from the touch. Laurence’s hand fell. “We mustn’t. if I have one, I’ll want another, and then where will it end?”

“It need not end.” Laurence closed the space between them again, but Tharkay shook his head.

“You don’t want this.”

“I do.”

“No. You fear to lose me, that is different than desire. I made a similar confusion once as a boy. It did not end well for either of us.”

Laurence bunched his hands to keep from reaching out again. “At the risk of sounding arrogant, I find it hard to believe that this person from your youth could claim the bond that we share. Our experiences alone—”

“Would make the outcome even worse.”

Laurence opened his mouth to argue, but Tharkay held up a hand to silence him. “I know you mean the offer you’ve made me, but you’ve mistaken the extent of my strength. I must inform you, I could not endure what you propose.” Tharkay took a breath and lowered his hand. “it was hard enough to find the wherewithal to leave you the first time. If you were to allow me access to your person… I refuse to imagine the devastation that would come after your rejection.  No. Much better for everyone if I leave now.”

“I wouldn’t reject you. I couldn’t. I need you more than you need me.”

“Says the man who has everything. A loyal lover, the heart of a dragon, the respect of his friends-- You’ll recover my absence quickly.

“I will not.”

“A martyr with a cause. How trite.”

“Your flippancy doesn’t fool me.”

“I suppose there’s a first time for everything.”

Tharkay had receded. Laurence could see it in set of his mouth and the hooded look in his eyes. Despite it all, Laurence was going to fail, and he couldn’t bear it. He caught Tharkay around the waist just as the man turned to go.

“I’ll follow you.” The words were not meant to sound sweet. His threat was spoken in a growl. “No matter where you go, or how sneaky you try to be, I will follow you. I’ll enlist whoever I need, spend whatever favors I have, and involve as many people as necessary to get back to your side.”

Tharkay twisted partway around to face him. It was the most he could move in the tightness of the embrace. “Unbecoming behavior for a hero, I would think. Must I worry for my virtue?”

“Temeraire would not tire of aiding me in my quest. He loves you as I do.”

“Unromantically.”

Laurence tightened his grip. Tharkay was entirely ensconced in the shell of his body. “Romantic? Is that how you would describe your feelings for me? A pity. I thought it was rather more than that.”

It wasn’t loud, but Laurence couldn’t miss the slight catch in Tharkay’s breath. He bent his mouth to the man’s ear. “If it’s as simple as kneeling down and taking your cock in my mouth, do you really think I won’t give it a go?”

Laurence expected Tharkay’s shove, and opened his arms at the first sign of resistance. Tharkay spun around, nearly as white as his shirt. “Who are you?”

Laurence tilted his head back and covered his eyes. “The man I’ll become if you try and leave me again, I suppose.” He laughed, a short bark of sound devoid of amusement. “Forgive an old sailor his language. I’ve disappointed more than just myself today.” He sank down in one of the nearby chairs and put his face in his hands. He felt like a wrung out rag, filthy after a day’s work. He prepared himself for the slam of the front door. Instead, all was quiet. The hand that touched his back was gentle. Laurence thought to fling it away, instead he hunched beneath it. He should get up, he told himself, put on a brave face and help Temeraire say goodbye. But the thought of giving such grief to his dragon drained the last of his energy.

“Will?”

Laurence sighed. It took reserves he didn’t have, but he forced himself to sit up. The agreement was only to let him speak. He had lost. He had to honor that.

“Forgive me, Tenzing. This was not the image I wanted you to remember me by. I will abide by my promise and let you leave, and will not terrify you with endless stalking. I know grief is not an excuse for madness or cruelty, yet I have fallen to both. I will try to accept your decision and live a life worthy of everything you have taught me. I only hope that you will take great care in everything you do, else I will do naught but worry until the end of my days.”

He wanted to meet Tharkay’s eyes as he spoke. It was the proper thing to do. But he couldn’t manage it. He did not want to see the end stamped on the man’s face.

“No, I shall worry regardless. Unless you can send reassurances to another? You and Granby will keep in touch, won’t you? I promise not to inquire as to the contents of the letters. I shan’t mention them at all. Only please do not feel you must abandon your friends to make a fresh start. I know I have damned things up with you royally, but Temaraire—” his voice went shrill on the name. He had to clear his throat and try again. “Temeraire will treasure your regard. If you but send him tidings occasionally through another I will make sure to absent myself while they are read, only please—”

It was no good. He could not go on. He pressed his hand to his mouth and felt his teeth cut into the back of his lips. It was worse than being transported to Australia. At least then he had known the isolation was reward for doing the right thing.

The chair he occupied was wrenched away from the table. He would have fallen over had not Tharkay fallen to his knees before him and pulled him into a gruff embrace.

“None of that now, Will. I was not built to withstand your grief.”

Laurence understood now why Tharkay had refused his kiss. With the man in his arms like this he didn’t know how he would ever manage to release him. He clutched handfuls of his shirt and pressed his face into his shoulder. He had to capture his scent well enough to remember forever. He wouldn’t get another chance.

“I wish I could have done as much for you as you did for me. Time and again you have saved the people most precious to me.” He pressed a kiss to Tharkay’s shoulder and hoped the man would forgive him the dalliance. If not, it was just another thing to add to the long list of ill treatment. “England will lose its greatest citizen when you go, though it will not mourn the loss as I will.”

“It will not mourn at all.”

Laurence stiffened. It was true that Tharkay had experienced much more than the average share of animosity in his time here, but there were plenty of individuals that recognized the man’s dedication and sacrifice. The corps had stories of his escapades that were on par with the legends of old. Had Laurence’s disregard of Tharkay’s feelings make the man feel as if he had no validation anywhere?

He pulled back in his confusion and was shocked to see the ghostly smile pressed lightly into Tharkay’s lips. “It cannot mourn what it shall not lose.”

Laurence didn’t dare trust those words, but it was harder to reject that smile. The tendril of hope defied everything else inside him as it rose to the surface. He couldn’t speak. Tharkay wrapped a hand around the back of his head and pulled their faces close.

“I cannot make any promises. I may still have to leave.” Tharkay shook his head. “You must think me a hypocrite, acting the victim while—”

Laurence lurched to his feet, tugging Tharkay up with him. “You’ll give me a chance? Truly?” When Tharkay’s smile widened, he grabbed the man’s hands with a desperate tightness. There were so many things he wanted to say: I won’t let you down; I’ll make things right; I love you. Instead he wrenched Tharkay out of the kitchen and roared out Temeraire’s name. He ran like a boy of ten. His heart thundered in his chest. The front door banged open beneath his hand, and then they were out in dazzling sunshine and Temeraire was right there, his head nudging Laurence’s chest.

“Tharkay will stay!”

He threw his arms around as much of Temeraire’s head as he could. His laughter had a crazed edge to it he couldn’t help. He had come too close to loss to feel unencumbered. But the sun felt healing instead of oppressing.

“Laurence, are you all right?”

In answer, he pressed a great smacking kiss to his dragon’s nose. “He’s still ours.”

Temeraire blinked, unused to such blatant affection. A protective talon curved around his body and pressed him close. “Of course he is ours. Whomever else would he belong to?”

“Quite right, my dear.”

The dragon huffed into his hair and raised his head. “Thank you for coming out to tell me, but if you want to mate now you may do so.”

It took several seconds for Laurence to process the words. Behind him, Tharkay broke out in a fit of coughing. He couldn’t help the smile that followed.

“What a courteous dragon I have. Shall I follow you to the bedroom, Tenzing, or shall we ravish each other out here? It would be terrible to waste such lovely weather.”

Tharkay’s fit of coughing faded, but the effort had left his face red. Laurence laughed. He felt as if he might float up into the sky. Tharkay wasn’t going to sail off on a rickety ship. He was right here…he had to reach out to check, and when his hand closed around Tharkay’s wrist, his palm met warm skin.

“I will make you as happy as I am,” he said. Despite his earlier anguish, he now felt as if anything were possible. His cheeks were beginning to ache from his smile. He turned back to Temeraire. “Have you eaten yet? I must see to our Tenzing, but after I can—”

Temeraire gave his ruff a shake. “I can arrange something for myself after I pass the good news onto Granby and Little. Our friends shouldn’t be kept in the dark.”

Laurence felt a stab of guilt. He hadn’t had a passing thought for poor Granby. “Of course, my dear. Shall I come with you? If you wait a short while—”

“There’s no need. Your nest-mate needs care. I’ll be back soon.”

The tongue he touched to Laurence’s face proved Temeraire was more unsettled than he would have them believe. His dragon’s sweetness softened the smile on his face. He would make it up to him later. Temeraire gave Tharkay a gentle nudge, then backed up several paces and leapt skyward. Laurence raised a practiced hand up to his eyes to protect them from flying grit. When the air was calm again he realized he still gripped Tharkay’s wrist. Instead of letting go, he brought it up to his mouth and let his lips graze the knuckles. Tharkay snatched his hand back.

“Sorry,” Laurence offered. “Am I too forward? The relief is making me giddy.”

Tharkay had the hand cradled against his chest as though the kiss had burned it. His cheeks were tinged with pink, probably leftovers from the coughing. “Its just a lot of change.”

The rosy cheeks made him look younger. Laurence wondered if the skin there would feel warmer than the rest of him. “Is it? It all feels so natural to me.”

Tharkay’s forehead creased. “Then you aren’t…forcing yourself?”

The concept was foreign to him. Force and manipulation had never had a place in their relationship. “Touching you is the easiest thing in the world.”

The color in Tharkay’s cheeks deepened to a dusky rose, and it struck Laurence that the color had nothing to do with the coughing. He had brought it about with his words. A boyish elation seized him, and he had to force himself to keep himself from spinning Tharkay around in a circle. Jane was always too practiced and worldly to blush. He’d forgotten it was something he could do.

He leaned in until their noses were almost touching. “It’s strange to see you looking nervous.”

“It’s stranger to see you acting like a child in primary school.”

Laurence laughed. He was feeling light-headed. It wasn’t the alcohol (that was finally out of his system).  
An idea occurred to him.

“Do you suppose I’ve been in love with you all this time and never realized it?”

Tharkay’s mouth fell open. Laurence was delighted. For years he had thought Tharkay an impenetrable fortress. But now that he knew he was the man’s weakness, he would never stop exploiting it. But even at his weakest, Tharkay retained his claws.

“Maybe I was the one who was mistaken all this time. Shall I go kiss Granby to test the hypothesis? I hear today’s the perfect day for it.”

Laurence rested his hands on Tharkay’s hips. He hadn’t been lying. The touching was so easy he hardly noticed he was doing it. “Jealous, are you? I only did it to prove a point.”

“That you’re an idiot beyond all measure?”

Laurence bumped their hips together, meaning to be playful, but Tharkay went rigid and shoved him back. “Don’t.”

An apology jumped to his lips, but he thought that might worsen the situation. Instead he nodded. “Breakfast?”

Tharkay didn’t eat much. Mostly he nursed a mug of tea and watched Laurence, who felt starved, and ate with an appetite he remembered from his teenage years. It was a pity his manners kept him from voicing his myriad questions. His upbringing forbade him from talking with his mouth full. Thankfully, Tharkay seemed to find relief in the silence. He held his chin in hand and slid his food onto Laurence’s plate when it ran empty. Laurence went to work on the replacements, but paused when he saw Tharkay stifle a yawn. In all the excitement, he’d forgotten neither of them had slept. He opened his mouth to suggest he retire, when he realized there were some necessary bits of information that needed to be discussed first.

“Will you sleep in my bed?” He said the words softly to appear unthreatening, but realized that made him sound illicit instead.

Tharkay pulled his chin off his palm. “I couldn’t.”

Laurence set down his fork. “Will you tell me why? It’s certainly large enough.”

“Size isn’t the issue.”

Laurence couldn’t resist. “Really? I thought size always mattered.”

He hoped the words would pull the pinkness into Tharkay’s cheeks again. Instead, something better happened. Tharkay chuckled. Laurence felt his chest swell with accomplishment.

“I doubt I would get much sleep in your bed.”

That was more wood onto his fire. “I see my reputation precedes me.”

Tharkay rolled his eyes. “I mean even if you didn’t touch me, you horse’s ass. I am…embarrassingly aware of you. I doubt I could relax enough to sleep with you so near.”

Laurence had to close his eyes against the tide of happiness the words brought him. He kept silent until he was sure he had control over his voice and said, “I’ll just have to keep you close until you become accustomed to my presence then, won’t I?” he reached over and set his hand, palm up, on the table. He didn’t realize he was holding his breath until Tharkay set his hand atop it and tangled their fingers together. He exhaled into a laugh. “You’re magic, you know that?”

“Finish your eggs,” Tharkay said and picked up his mug again.

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter Lawrence learns the lesson we all come to eventually: if he acts pathetic enough, all his dreams will come true (Thanks for giving in, Tharkay, you enabler. I couldn't watch that train wreck any longer.)


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Slim Jim

Laurence woke when a blanket was draped around him. Without opening his eyes, he snatched Tharkay’s unsuspecting wrist and dragged him down onto the couch.

“Still acting the child, I see.”

Instead of answering, Laurence raised his arms in a languid stretch and was rewarded with the way Tharkay’s eyes jumped to follow the movement. He grinned. He knew it was silly for a man his age to preen, but Tharkay’s desire for him was dangerously good for his self-esteem. Granby had already warned him against the dangers of a swelled head, but it hadn’t done much good. He leaned over and dared to rest his head against Tharkay’s shoulder. He congratulated himself when he wasn’t immediately pushed away. The trick to touching Tharkay was to make the motion innocent and self-serving. Like a badly disciplined house pet, he was constantly testing the boundaries to see what was and wasn’t allowed. He had also discovered that what was forbidden one moment might be allowed the next. However, his goal was not to distress. The most risqué thing he’d done was press a goodnight kiss to Tharkay’s cheek. It had been two days since Tharkay had changed his mind about leaving. Two days he’s spent entirely in the man’s company. Well, all the time except sleeping. Tharkay still stayed in his own room—something only Laurence seemed to be having trouble adjusting to. Even though he and Tharkay had never shared a bed, his own felt suddenly too large, and he had taken to avoiding it. Last night he must have put it off too long, and fallen asleep with one of his old ship logs in hand. He was forced to lift his head when Tharkay took the leather-bound book and ran his finger down Laurence’s writing.

“Do you ever think about where you’d be if you hadn’t taken Temeraire as a prize?”

Laurence traced the lines of Tharkay’s profile with his eyes. He had noticed yesterday that, though not especially long, the man’s eyelashes were beautifully dark and unnaturally thick. He had been half daring himself to touch them ever since. This time his gaze snagged on Tharkay’s ear. There was a tiny beauty mark hidden behind the lobe. Seeing it felt like discovering a secret.

“Not often. The thought is distressing.”

“I can’t imagine your life without Temeraire. He’s like the sun, and you are the planet that revolves around him.”

“Interesting. I followed a similar line of logic at the thought of your leaving me.”

Tharkay turned his face and was startled by how close Laurence had drifted. He hadn’t done it on purpose. It was the mole’s fault. It had some sort of gravitational pull on him. He touched his finger to it, then let it drag down the length of Tharkay’s neck.

“It’s easy to imagine a dragon taking center stage,” Laurence continued. “They’re giant, brilliant jewels of the sky. How impressive then that a fellow human could make just as big an impact on the shaping of my thoughts and feelings.”

Tharkay’s eyes were wide open, framed by those lovely lashes. Laurence pressed his face into his hair. It was softer than he expected. His own had been roughened over the years by sea air and the whipping winds atop a dragon, but Tharkay took better care of his. There was some light oil worked in smelling of honey that made his hair shine like lacquered wood.

Tharkay said something in a hoarse voice. He had to say it twice before Lawrence recognized it as his name.

“Yes?” Wisps of hair danced in the wake of his breath.

Several beats of silence held no answer until, “We should check on Temeraire.”

Lawrence drew back. For a moment he’d thought Tharkay might twist his face up to kiss him, but it was not to be, and that was fine. He knew he could kiss Tharkay if it came to it, but he was relieved the pace they set was slow. He had been trying to untangle his own feelings the past few days, but so much relief was still mixed in that he couldn’t be sure whether he was doing things because he wanted them, or because he wanted to please Tharkay. He went to go dress.

Tharkay was already sitting in the crook of Temeraire’s elbow joint, deep in conversation, by the time Lawrence arrived on the scene. They were so engrossed they did not realize he was there.

“And still I must insist that these doubts of yours are absurd. Of course Lawrence wants to mate with you! He has invited you to his bed and finds every excuse in the world to touch you. I’m no expert on human variation, but Granby has reassured me that you are an exceedingly handsome gentleman of very fine prospects. I cannot imagine why you still doubt me. Why, look at Jane. She’s older than Lawrence, and has those scars on her face and body, and that never stopped him from bedding her. He is much less picky than you think.”

“You forget, Jane has the advantage of being a member of the fairer sex.”

“Forget? You know I do not. It’s just that Lawrence has never made eggs a priority. Besides, Granby told me you can do that strange human custom of taking other people’s children into your home.”

“It isn’t about eggs. It’s a question of basic anatomy.”

“Are you…deficient somewhere?”

“In that I don’t have tits or a vagina? I’d say so.”

“But that isn’t a deficiency in a man.”

“Man, yes, the operative word here.”

“I’m afraid I do not follow your logic. Do you think Lawrence has not noticed you are a man? I can assure you he has.”

Lawrence was torn between embarrassment and laughter, and though he was enjoying his role as an audience member, it was not fair to eavesdrop.

“My dear, I believe our Tenzing fears I will not wish to be intimate with him because of his sex.”

At the intrusion, Tharkay’s hand touched the dragon’s neck, but Temeraire was glad to have a source for answers.

“Because he is male? Whyever should that matter?” But Temeraire answered his own question when the realization hit him. His already large eyes grew larger. “Oh, you believe Lawrence to be a stickler like Berkeley or Demane. No, no, did not Lawrence tell you of his navy man lover?”

Tharkay wore the dazed alarm of one recently hit by a brick-shaped object. “Navy man?”

“His name was James. He served on board with Lawrence on the _Goliath_.”

“That’s right. James Carter of his majesty’s royal navy. Though everyone on board called him Slim Jim.”

Details only seemed to be making the problem worse. Tharkay clutched at Temeraire like he was the only solid thing left in the world. “I think I need a minute.”

“Of course. Would you like an arm down?”

Tharkay shook his head and slid to the deck of the pavilion. When Lawrence tried to follow him into the house he got another shake of the head. Clearly, he wanted some time alone. Temeraire made a gruff sound. It was the dragon equivalent of clearing his throat.

“Was there a reason you’ve been letting Tharkay worry over nonsense?”

Lawrence scratched at his head. It was a gesture of embarrassment that had survived his childhood despite his tutors’ best attempts to eradicate it.

“Well it’s not as if he asked…”

Temeraire contained his disappointment to a baleful stare. It was enough.

“I was meaning to tell him, only I didn’t want him to confuse it with…I’m afraid you overstated things when you described Jim and I as lovers. There was not much to it. Some kisses stolen here and there, some sweet words. It was a childhood dalliance, the result of two young boys trapped on a ship away from their families. It did not extend passed our first voyage, and should not be used as proof that I am capable of…of…”

“Of mating with Tharkay?”

There was never any judgment in his dragon’s eyes, and now was no exception. Lawrence had long ago grown fond of Temeraire’s unashamed curiosity. It had often served to deepen their relationship when Lawrence’s stuffiness threatened to impede. He went to his dragon and leaned against his leg.

“I know that I am _capable_ of it. I doubt the process would prove too taxing. It is only…my dear, what if I cannot work up any real enthusiasm? I don’t deny that my feelings toward him are tender, but so they have always been. I will not lie and say I have ever longed for him in a physical sense, because I haven’t. Had not Tharkay’s feelings been exposed, I should have been glad to continue as we were, until the end of my days. I was content, content in a way I have never been, and all might be lost if I misstep now and—Temeraire, what shall I do if I lose him? I know I repeat myself, and must sound a great whining baby, but it doesn’t seem fair that I may forever lose happiness simply because my genitals don’t take an interest in the proceedings!”

“Oh but Lawrence!” Temeraire’s clawed foreleg came up to pull him closer. “Surely there is no cause for despair. You and Tharkay’s love for one another hardly seems delicate enough to be spoiled by something so silly.”

“It musn’t seem silly to Tenzing. He was prepared to leave over it, after all.”

“I dare say he was not! What put such an idea into your head?”

“Only watching him kiss me, then storm off!”

“But it wasn’t because he thought you would not bed him! Only that he felt he wronged you for desiring you without your knowledge.”

“…What?”

Temeraire lifted Laurence up to nuzzle at his hair. “Lawrence, you are an excellent captain, and a fine friend, but even I will admit your expertise does not lie in the area of love.”

Despite his bewilderment, Lawrence found space for a little sarcasm. “And yours does?”

Temeraire ignored that. “When Izkierka expressed her interest in having an egg with me, I was confused. I don’t know if you’d noticed, but Izkierka had always seemed rather…disparaging of me.”

Despite his strict upbringing, Lawrence found it difficult to hold back his snort.

“With all her arguing and nastiness, I never dreamed she would take that kind of interest in me. I wrote to my mother and she told me that sometimes one is unaware of what one wants, but that it should not keep one from exploring the opportunity when it does arrive. I think your love for Tharkay has been so important for so long that it did not occur to you that it might ever change. Of course you were content with Tharkay as you were, he is wonderful company, and your shared bond and experiences are so deep as to surpass all your other human relationships. Who would think to explore further when you believed you had already achieved all there was?”

Temeraire very, very carefully brushed the top of Lawrence’s hair with the back of a talon.

“As for your worry, I would advise you simply to imagine yourself in each other’s places. If you were dearly in love with Tharkay, would you really toss him aside because of a failed mating? If he loved you, and wished to please you in all the ways he could, would his ‘disinterested genitals’, as you say, cause the end of it all?”

Lawrence wraped his hand around talon that hovered near his head. “Maybe I’m daft, but I cannot think of any reason that would bring me to dismiss him.”

Temeraire purred his pleasure. Lawrence had no doubt that this success would have him all too eager to interfere in future affairs, but could summon nothing but fondness at the thought.

“And one more thing.”

Lawrence groaned. His identity as an Englishman implicitly rebelled at the explicit nature of the conversation.

“Despite your dismissal, you might find your body pays greater attention to him than you think. I’ve noticed a subtle change in your usual scent. I only hope you do not become overwhelmed.”

Lawrence smiled. Trust his dragon to go in for that extra bit of drama. His scent, indeed. “I’d best get back inside. I’ve important letters to write.”

Temeraire’s nod was grave. “You’ll see to Jane today?”

Lawrence sighed. It was the one consistent thought that had been spoiling the honeymoon-like bliss of the last few days. He’d been telling himself that his first priority now had to be Tharkay, but what little instability the man had shown had faded quickly, and could no longer be used as an excuse. It was time to face the outside world.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure there are exactly zero people surprised to learn of Lawrence's experimental past. Also, as the writer here, I take full liberties in giving Tharkay whatever moles I want. (does lawrence have some sort of mole fetish? Is that a thing?) Next chapter we'll get some more Jane time, lucky me. I'll probably post it Sunday.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Sentimental Fop

He found Tharkay by the stove, grilling sausage. They had given Nancy the week off to have privacy to make their adjustments, and Laurence was leaning toward a more permanent end to things. Having a maid was proper. In fact, his mother was always insisting on adding to the household staff. Every time he visited, she asked whether he had finally hired a valet. But there would be no valet, and now, perhaps, no staff at all. He and Tharkay certainly got on just fine without. After all the years on the road taking care of themselves, a maid seemed like an unnecessary luxury at best, but more often a source of awkwardness. Lawrence did not want to be forever worrying over propriety. If he wanted to go for a shirtless ride on Temeraire, or drink his coffee with his feet up, he hardly desired a witness. But now he had an even greater need for circumspection. Buggery was still a punishable offense in England, and he had no desire to see his Tharkay put away for such nonsense. If the man chose to accept his invitation to sleep in the same room, or pulled him in for a kiss, he would make damn sure it was no one’s business but theirs.

“Have you any experience in the dismissal of household servants?” He sidled up to Tharkay and stole a slice of tomato out of the pan. “Cannot we simply hand her two months wages and be done with it, or must there also be an excuse for it all?”

When Tharkay saw him eyeing the sausage next he gave him a push toward the dish cupboard. Lawrence took the hint, and pulled down all that was needed for two place settings.

“I don’t think an excuse is necessary, not for her anyway. Is this for my sake?”

Tharkay was altogether too sharp for his own good.

“I haven’t been comfortable with the arrangement for a while. A girl who comes in once a week to clean should be more than enough, not that my mother will see it that way. You, I’m afraid, I will use to pacify her. Your need for privacy, I shall tell her, is greater than mine. She already thinks you a mysterious figure. It will work wondrously.”

This earned him a wry smile. “Coward.”

His hands were full of dishes, but as he passed Tharkay he nudged him with an elbow. “Don’t forget traitor, and possible invert. I know you’re waiting to pounce on me for the Jim story.”

Tharkay looked up from the pan. “I would not beg for information not freely given; but yes, I will admit to curiosity.”

Lawrence leaned closer and spoke in a low tone. “I guarantee my feelings for you run far deeper than they ever did for him.”

It was so easy to bring that blush back once you got the hang of it. Tharkay turned back to the pan and muttered something about blue-eyed devils. Lawrence laughed and brought the dishes to the table. Breakfast was a thoroughly enjoyable affair. All meals were now. Despite the occasional bit of awkwardness, their conversations could never be stilted. They knew each other too well for that. Lawrence summarized the James account, but spent far longer bogged down in his other naval escapades, and not the ones that did him credit either. Tharkay smiled far more when Lawrence revealed clumsy embarrassments than he did for anything that smacked of heroism, and so he entertained his friend with all his least flattering accounts, and hoped the man’s esteem in him wouldn’t suffer too much. He sat for far longer than he meant to, and was jolted back to reality when the vague tremor of Temeraire lifting himself in solo flight recalled himself to the passing time. Tharkay noticed his distraction and stood to collect the dishes.

“Go on then, I’ll take care of these.”

“You spoil me.”

“On the contrary, I’m only doing it so I can bully you into doing my laundry later.”

Lawrence laughed. “I’ll look forward to it.”

But his smile faded once he’d settled himself behind his desk. He wasted three sheets of paper trying to write a note to Jane. In the end he was left with a simple request to meet at her earliest convenience. The note was too formal. That alone would alert her that something was wrong, but maybe that was for the best. She could use the time to prepare. He gave the letter over to the messenger boy, Peter, who came every day at noon, and was unsurprised by the speed of the reply. He was reading aloud to Temeraire when Peter came puffing up to the pavilion. He held out the letter, then bent over double to catch his breath.

“Bent on setting some sort of record, are you?” Tharkay asked and rose to fetch the boy a glass of water from the tray they had brought out with them.

All of Laurence’s attention was focused as he tore open the seal and read the short message inside.

_Come bring me the news then. I await you._ - _Jane._

“I must go.” It took him two tries to slide the letter into his jacket pocket.

Tharkay put down the jug. “Trouble?”

Temeraire cottoned onto his tone at once. “Is it one of our friends?” Already he was rising to his feet. Thankfully Peter was used to his size and didn’t startle. Tharkay snagged a carabiner from one of the hooks that lined a section of the Pavilion, but Lawrence shook his head at him.

“This is something I must do alone.”

Tharkay was already being lifted by Temeraire. “Call me untrusting, but every other time you’ve said that in the past you came close to dying.”

Lawrence was embarrassed he couldn’t honestly deny it. “Nevertheless, this time I must beg your discretion. I go to end things.”

“Oh,” said Temeraire, who sat back down. “Are you sure? Jane’s estate has plenty of space for me to land.”

Tharkay paused with his carabiner still in the air. When he dropped it, the metal hit the deck with a clang. “Don’t be ridiculous. That isn’t a decision to rush into.”

“And yet, it is _my_ decision, and I ask that you respect it.” He looked to Peter who was biting a grubby nail. “Come along then, Lad. I’ll give you a ride into town.”

Tharkay caught his arm. “I implore you to reconsider. You’ve been together for ten years. To throw that all away on the spur of the moment decision—”

“Knowing all you do of me, do you really believe I would make such a decision lightly?”

Tharkay let go of his arm.

Lawrence looked up to meet Temeraire’s gaze. The dragon seemed to understand. He curled the end of his tail around where Tharkay stood. He would stay with him. Lawrence took Peter by the shoulder and let him to the stables to saddle his horse. The boy was small enough to ride pillion without tiring the beast. He said nothing as they found the road. He must have looked grim, because Peter never tried to break the silence. As soon as he dropped the boy off and paid him for his work, he urged SpringLady to a trot, and ignored the dread that rose with every step. Jane’s estate was large, and well serviced. A footman greeted him at the gate and led him up to the house while a stable boy took his horse. He found himself adjusting his cuffs and jacket, though the only thing Jane would notice was the sweat that beaded his forehead.

She was sitting in her office. It was where she could always be found when she wasn’t out with Excidium or sleeping. Lawrence dismissed the footman and tapped on the open door. Jane set down her pen as she looked up.

“Look at the state of you. Are you to die of heatstroke?”

“No, it has only weakened me. This conversation shall be the finishing blow.”

“My, my, so it really is as bad as all that. Well come sit down, my dear fellow. Can I offer you a drink?”

“I’m afraid I’ve been put off alcohol forever. But please, do fetch a glass for yourself.”

But Jane ignored her sideboard and dragged her chair over to his. Once they were settled, she spoke. “I’ll say this quickly before your guilt can multiply any further. I think I know what you’re going to say. And if I’m right, I’ve known it was coming for a long while. It’s Tharkay, isn’t it?”

Surprise forced him to clear his throat. “You’re a marvel.”

“Hardly. Any woman worth her salt would take one look at the two of you and know it was hopeless. I’m only surprised it took you this long to come to it, even with the reputation you’ve got.”

Jane had known. Of course she had. So many comments he’d treated as obscure seemed blatantly obvious now. Shame filled him like a trough, spilling and dripping and coating him on all sides. What had he done to her? What pain must he have caused?

“My dear Jane, what you must think of me—”

“None of that, now. Yes, you were a bit of a fool, but which of us can’t say the same? At least you were a sweet fool, perhaps the best I’ve ever been with.”

He reached for her hand. “Oh Jane—”

“You’d better not be gearing up for a cry. I won’t know what to do with myself if you do.”

His laugh was strangled as he leaned toward her and touched her cheek. “Jane—”

“And none of _that_ either,” she said, and pushed his hand away. “It isn’t fair to my replacement.”

“He isn’t—”

“Call him what you will, it doesn’t matter. I’m trying to say that I don’t want you feeling badly. We’ve had some wonderful years together, but let’s not pretend I was ever the end goal. You’ve always wanted someone to settle down with, and I was never going to be that person. You were a lovely part of my life, but nonetheless, just a part of it.” She smiled as she said it, and he knew there was no bitterness there. “But Tharkay doesn’t think of you that way, does he? You’ve been all he wants for as long as I’ve known him. Which, goodness, really is a damn long time. What on earth were you thinking to torture the man so?”

He knew she said the last words in jest, but they still cut him. The truth was too recent, and Tharkay’s pain too fresh. She must have seen it in his face. She gentled her tone.

“You’re done with the hardest bit. I reckon if Tharkay has survived loving you this long, there isn’t much you can do to muck it up. He’s resilient, that one. The only adversary worthy to take my place, I should say.”

“I don’t deserve either of you.” The words were not false modesty. He looked down at the hand in his. The veins that traced it were prominent, and the nails were brutally short. Not what anyone would call a lady’s hand. He raised it to his lips and kissed first the knuckles, and then the palm.

“Sentimental fop.”

Lawrence’s vision blurred, but he blinked them clear. “I don’t think I can do this.”

“The man who survived six continents can’t dump an old woman?”

He couldn’t bear the indulgent affection in her eyes. He yearned for condemnation, for someone, anyone, to point a finger at him and call him a bastard and a cur. His chair rucked up the carpet as he shoved it back to stand.

“You should not stand for this—should not accept me, the hypocrite, who wanted greater commitment from you, but who, in the end, could toss you aside like an old plaything.”

“And what is it you want from me? Shall I yell and go to pieces?”

For a split second he almost assented, but then he recalled just exactly who he was dealing with and bit his tongue.

“I’m a forty-eight year old woman, not some mincing teenager in the throes of her first romantic delusion. I’ve a grown daughter, and a dragon I’ve been partnered with for over two decades. Shall I miss you? Yes. But will I rail against a future I have long predicted and come to accept? The hell I will.”

Her shirt cuffs were splattered with ink, and her hair frizzed with the summer heat, but she reigned over the space like a goddess of old.

“I will always be grateful to the years I had with you, and I will insist you continue to count me as one of your greatest friends and allies, but I will do the smart thing now and acknowledge that this chapter of our lives has drawn to a close. Now can we put an end to this, or must I pull rank here and order you to see sense?”

Lawrence kissed her. He did not think anyone would fault him for the choice, least of all Tharkay. Because the kiss was not a desperate attempt to rekindle a flame. When he pulled her face to his and took her mouth, he kissed her goodbye.

Jane was the one who pulled away. “Let’s hope that was your final foolish act.”

“I love you,” he said, defiant and helpless.

She smiled. “I know you do, dear man. And I would hate to see that turn to resentment. That’s why you must go to him. Don’t worry about your heart. He will show it far more attention than I ever have.”

He pressed his lips together, determined not to say anything to spoil her sacrifice. But Jane was only too capable of spoiling it on her own. She gave him a lavish wink and a rough slap to the shoulder. “You should show him that thing I taught you. Just remember, first the tongue, then you can add a finger.”

Lawrence pressed a hand to his chest, duly horrified. She threw back her head and laughed, bawdy and full, and pushed him toward the door. “Go on, then. I’ve got a long night of drinking ahead of me, and a few chaps who may be able to console me in my grief.”

“By all means, don’t waste any time.” He tried to sound disapproving, but his smile gave him away. She had been so good for him. After all these years he still could not help that little rising bubble of disbelief that questioned how he had ever managed to catch her attention. Even when he was a stranger to their ways, or when he’d been a convicted traitor, she had seen his worth.

He had his hand on the door when she spoke. “I love you too, Lawrence. It may surprise you just how much.”

He told himself he imagined the catch in her breath as he stepped into the hall, but the way he hurried from it proved he did not believe it. He didn’t see the footman that came flapping after him, but by the time he reached the front gate, the stable boy was hurrying toward him with his horse. Just as he was mounting he saw a head of blonde hair lean out the window. There was dark polish of some sort on her hands. Emily called out something, but he forced himself not to hear. He rode off before the young lady he had raised from childhood could come after him.

He overworked his horse on the way home, and had to finish the last mile beside her, on foot. By the time he arrived, his boots were covered with dust and his hair stuck to his neck. Temeraire called out to him, but he hunched his shoulders and pushed through the door. Tharkay was not downstairs. That was good. He would just go up to bed and that would be it for a while. Maybe he would wash, get some of the stink off him. But his traitorous feet didn’t stick to the plan. They carried him to Tharkay’s room, and pushed the door open without knocking.

Tharkay was seated at his desk, a report of some kind in hand. The whole way back Lawrence had been picturing him. And now that he was finally in sight, he felt his energy leave him. His body swayed, but Tharkay caught hold of his arm to steady him.

“You need not give her up, Will. I promise to share. I’ll learn how.”

“No.” Even his voice sounded like it was clogged with dust. “That would serve no one.”

He reached out, but aborted the gesture. He reeked of sweat and horse, was covered with grime, and stood before the man who had more right to resent him than anyone else in the world. He didn’t deserve the comfort touch might bring. He was shocked when Tharkay caught his hand and pushed him down onto the bed.

“Tenzing—”

“I’m here.” Tharkay followed him down and pulled him into his arms. The hand that began to stroke his hair reminded him of his mother’s. Lawrence’s restraint broke. When his hands came up they crushed Tharkay to him with a force that scared him, and that finally brought the tears.

“I’m sorry,” he said and tried to pull back, but Tharkay wouldn’t allow it. His hand never stopped its stroking.

 He didn’t speak. He didn’t have to. Tharkay’s comfort had never relied on words. And so Lawrence held him and wept. He did not do it for very long, but it was thorough, and his jaw cracked in a yawn when it was over. He thought Tharkay would pull away then, but he didn’t. He just kept stroking his hair in that perfect steady rhythm.

“What are you thinking?” Lawrence finally asked.

“You’ll think me selfish.”

“Tell me anyway.”

The stroking slowed, but did not stop. “I worry you will come to hate me for taking her away.”

The words were so similar to what Jane had said that he had to smile, though it was a watery vulnerable thing. He needed a minute to collect himself before he could answer. But when he did, he prefaced it by pressing a kiss to Tharkay’s temple. “Loathe as I am to doubt you, Tenzing, in that, I think, your speculation is groundless.”

\--


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: Captain Nicholas Fowler

He did not mean to sleep, but he did. It wasn’t for long, and his joy at waking to find Tharkay still in his arms surprised him in its intensity.

“I’ve dirtied your sheets,” he said, utterly without remorse.

“I suppose this is where you renew your offer to share a bed?”

Lawrence laughed. He did that so easily with Tharkay. He felt a stab of guilt. Should he allow such happiness when he was in mourning for Jane? It wasn’t honorable, but he was certain she wouldn’t mind. Life was too short to spoil its adventures. He tucked his head back into Tharkay’s shoulder and made a soft sound of contentment. “Not just now. Moving seems too much of a hassle.”

“Temeraire likes this room anyway. He can get a better view from the window.”

That bought another laugh from him. “I’m afraid we come as a pair, he and I. You must take care to court him thoroughly.”

“What do you suppose I’ve been doing the past decade? I admit, he is much more receptive. Maybe we’ll abandon you and be the first human-dragon union in history.”

“Oh, I doubt you’d be the first.”

He rolled Tharkay onto his back and pushed himself up onto his elbow to look at him. “You’re being awfully accommodating, not to mention pliant. Did I really cut such a pitiful figure earlier?”

“Dreadfully pitiful,” Tharkay agreed.

Laurence acted on impulse. He reached behind Tharkay and pulled his hair free of its binding. Locks of shiny black made a magnificent contrast to the cream-colored sheets. He twined a breadth of strands around his finger. “I shall go into full mourning should you ever sheer this off.”

He figured Tharkay would disdain this comment, but the man looked thoughtful. “A gift from my mother. We would take turns brushing it out for each other.”

“She must have been a beautiful woman if you take after her.”

This time he got the reaction he sought. Tharkay shoved at his shoulder. “Flagrant flatterer.”

“I mean it. I feel homely beside you.”

“Lies. You flaunt your fairness as a weapon against me, don’t try to deny it.”

Lawrence knew his grin was wicked. “Shall I undress for you, then? Take my advantage to its limits?”

Tharkay’s smile held an edge that sent a twinge into his stomach. “I didn’t know you were so keen on being gutted by my knife.”

“Well, if I must find death, I would rather it be by your hand.”

There was a tap on the window. The breath from Temeraire’s nose briefly fogged the glass.

“There is a gentleman here for Tharkay. He says it’s urgent.”

Lawrence rolled to his feet. “Why Tenzing, a suitor at this time of night? How inappropriate.”

Tharkay did not smile. “I wasn’t expecting anyone.” He hunted around for his hair tie. Laurence went to open the window.

“What does he look like?” Tharkay asked.

Temeraire leaned perilously close to the house in an ill-suited attempt to whisper. “Blonde. Light eyes. A little like Laurence, I should say, but not as dashing.”

Tharkay froze with his hands in his hair. “Shit.”

“Trouble?” Lawrence asked, an echo to his friend’s earlier words.

“I’m afraid so. This may get ugly.”

“But who is he?”

Tharkay finished with his hair and went to the door. He gave his clothes a distracted smoothing. “Captain Nicholas Fowler of the HMS _Pursuit_.”

Nicholas. Nick. Lawrence felt the color rise in his face. Behind him he heard Temeraire’s version of a chuckle. “This will be good.”

“Temeraire!”

He heard Tharkay leave the room, and then the clump of his feet on the stairs. Lawrence gave his dragon a stern look. “That’s quite enough of that. I won’t have you eavesdropping, and I’ll need your promise not to interfere. We both know how much Tenzing values his—”

The sound of a slap rang through the air. Despite the distance, Lawrence couldn’t mistake it for anyone else. Temeraire’s eyes went to slits. The rumble of divine wind was already working in his chest. Lawrence leaned out to touch a hand to his dragon’s face. “My dear, my heart, pray calm yourself. I’m sure it is worse than it sounds. Tharkay is perfectly capable of handling—”

“He attacks your nest-mate, our family! I’ll not stand for it, and nor should you!”

“Hush, love. Be still. They can hear you.”

“They are meant to! I don’t care if this is peacetime, I mean to chase him off, and don’t you try and stop me either.”

“No, Temeraire. You will terrify him. Let me go. You cannot find fault with that, surely?”

Temeraire still looked like he might shake the whole forest down, but he grumbled his assent. “Only if you go now, and hurry. If he strikes him again I will not be held responsible for my actions.”

Laurence climbed out onto the sill to step into Temeraire’s cupped foreleg. Once he was on the ground he set a brisk pace. He was aware he had never washed up, and napping in his clothes had not done anything to aid his appearance.

They were out in front. Lawrence had no trouble finding them. Nick was not trying to keep his voice at conversational levels.

“…that I had to hear of it from one of my deckhands! All of the isle, from the port at Southhampton to Loch Lagan is abuzz with how the daring Admiral Lawrence swooped down on his dragon to sweep the foreign spy off his feet and into his arms. Can you imagine my embarrassment when Kenneth offered me his apologies? You’ve made me a laughingstock aboard my ship. Not only an invert, but a cuckold. And that’s how I am to be remembered, never mind how many years I’ve worked to build a name for myself, how much harder I’ve had to fight than the others because I refused to keep my dark secret in the closet. What have I done for you to treat me this way? It was enough when you refused the offer of a commission aboard my ship so that we could be together, but now I find out that not only did you not bother to send word of this incident, but that you have been living together with the man for months now. Was all that talk about regaining your estate just a screen to hide your real goals? I was a fool, a damn fool to believe a word that ever came out of your mouth. I thought we had an understanding! I thought I was a comfort to you!”

Temeraire had been speaking from loyalty. The truth was, Captain Fowler was as handsome a man as any could hope to see. His jaw was stronger than Lawrence’s, and he was younger, too, by several years. His eyes flashed a bright green and there were no silver strands among the gold on his head. Even his rage was beautiful. The spots of color on his face only highlighted his cheekbones, and the rigidity in his shoulders spoke to a body made solid and lean from long years of healthy labor. At another time he would have felt lessened by a comparison drawn between them, but now he had more important matters to focus on. Namely, the honor of his friend.

“Sir, please lower your voice, or take the conversation inside. I can see you’re upset, but I doubt you wish to defame his character in such a public manner.”

In actuality, it was probably safe. The house was in the countryside, and his nearest neighbor was several miles away. Still, his upbringing dictated a measure of decorum, and he wished to remind their guest of whatever manners he possessed. But he had gambled poorly. If he had thought Fowler angry before, the way his chest swelled at the sight of him quickly put that to shame.

“ _You._ ”

His neck went taut as he swiveled round to face him, his hands clenched into fists.

“Arrogant bastard, you dare speak to me?”

Despite his best efforts, Lawrence had been involved in far more than a decent share of brawls in his time. His body reacted on its own to catch the man’s swinging arm. He had to catch the other one as well, and avoid a headbutt. Before he knew it, they had their arms locked around each other and Lawrence had shoved him up against the wall of the house.

“I’ll kill you!” Nicholas roared. Even with his hands forced to the brick, the threat carried weight. He struggled mightily, and Lawrence had to pin the man with his hips to avoid being kneed in the groin. As it was, it was taking all his strength to keep the bucking man from wrenching himself free again.

“Nick! Stop it!”

Tharkay put his hands into the mix to try and separate the two, but was only clipped in the nose as one of Fowler’s fists briefly broke free.

“Get back,” Lawrence called as he struggled to pin it again. He didn’t know how much longer he could hold him; and if he was hurt, Temeraire would show no mercy. The thought was his prime motive as he shoved their foreheads together and shouted, “Enough!

He would have to hurt the man, he thought. His strength wouldn’t last forever. He needed to incapacitate him to end the fight. But just as he was gearing up to strike him, Fowler went limp. Just like that, Lawrence went from restraint to support as he found himself taking much of the captain’s weight. He helped the man slide to his knees as he was taken with great wracking sobs.

“Tharkay, Tharkay…”

Lawrence pulled away so Tharkay could slip into his place. He watched his friend take hold of Fowler’s shoulders and pull him close.

“You didn’t think this through at all, did you?”

It was strange to hear the exasperated fondness in Tharkay’s voice. He thought he had a monopoly on it.

“I don’t understand anything. I’m going crazy. It hurts.”

Tharkay sighed as the man buried his face in his neck and sobbed. “Didn’t you get my letter? I left it on your desk.”

“You wrote that you were leaving, not that you were getting together with him!”

“You’re right. That was the original plan. But things have changed—”

“So change them back! Come sail with me and forget about him. You can travel, learn new languages, meet people. You love all those things. Just think of the adventures you and I could have.”

“It wouldn’t work.”

“You don’t know that! You haven’t tried.”

“But I did try. For years, I did. And every time I tried to run, my feet brought me right back to him.”

“Then you must try harder, as hard as you can, put everything into—”

“That’s what I attempted to do this time. I thought I would make it too, but he came after me, Nick. He rejected all my doubts and brought me back to stay with him. And I…I’m tired of running.”

Fowler was silent. Tharkay kept his hands on his shoulders, and leaned back to look him in the face. “I love him. I told you that up front, and I told you it wouldn’t change. I’m sorry if you felt you had a chance; you never did. It isn’t your fault.”

Fowler’s eyes were puffy and red. “I don’t understand,” he said again, but it was quiet, and sounded like defeat. Even though he had just woken up, Lawrence felt tired again. Anger flared up in his chest, not toward the stranger, but at Tharkay. If they could have just been friends none of this would be happening. Their lives would have continued to unfold in a blissful array of unremarkable days. He was too old for this drama. But as briefly as it flared, so was it extinguished. To resent the drama was to resent the life that had brought him Tharkay in the first place. He was not Captain Lawrence of the _Reliant_ , he was Lawrence of Temeraire, and he should hope he never grew so cowardly as to resent the people he cherished. He crouched down beside the kneeling pair and touched Fowler’s arm.

“I will not pretend to be on your side. I’m too invested in Tenzing to let you have him, but may we at least offer you the minor comfort of a cool room with a fresh bed to lie down in? Maybe some tea?”

Fowler looked tired enough to sleep where he sat, but with a stupendous effort, he pushed himself to his feet and stood. “No. It would not feel like kindness.” He drew Tharkay close, and brushed a hand over the nose he had accidentally assaulted. “I thought you silly to chase a man who could never love you back. I suppose the punishment for my judgment was falling prey to the same thing.”

“Bad as it seems, it’s never a mistake to love. My mother taught me that.”

“And look what happened to her.” Fowler released his hand.

“Your crew will see you through this,” Tharkay said. “Their loyalty does you credit.”

Fowler’s laugh was black. “And yet I would trade all of their hearts for yours. What does that say about me?”

He left. Lawrence watched him as he went, bent like a man who walked to the noose. When he finally looked away he saw he had his arm over Tharkay’s shoulder. When had that happened? It didn’t matter. He brought Tharkay closer. He felt cold now. Cold and tired. “I’m sorry.”

Tharkay didn’t look at him. He shrugged out from under his arm and went inside. Lawrence stared after him, debating. As long as he’d known him, there were still moments where the man was a mystery. He couldn’t tell what he wanted, solitude or comfort, and now it was too late to ask. He rubbed at his face and went to calm Temeraire.

The job was as big as he thought it would be. It took a long time to convince the dragon that Fowler was not a terrible man, just one consumed by grief. “People can do and say terrible things when they feel loss. Just think of my behavior when they took you from me.”

He didn’t like to bring up that topic. Temeraire could be morose for days afterward, and would insist on clinging to him. But he was feeling quite clingy himself. He’d already decided he would read to the dragon, and then they would fall asleep together the way they used to. He was hunting through the chest of books for the Principia Mathematica when Temeraire’s nose nudged his back.

“You should go back to him.”

He let the chest lid fall. “I’m not sure he wants to see me.” Right now he could only be a reminder of all the man had sacrificed.

 “He was the first one you ran to after your talk with Jane. How is this any different?”

“It’s different because we’re different people, and our preferences vary in our times of distress.”

But Temeraire was not hearing any of it, and so Lawrence had to trudge back into the house. Rejected by both dragon and nest-mate, he thought, how’s that for a success story? But the act of moping brought Jane to mind. She’d roll her eyes if she could see him now. He straightened his back. Not every day was a good day. Tomorrow would be better. He set a pot of water to boil and hauled buckets in from the pump inside. He brought the large copper wash basin out and set to scrubbing himself fresh. By the time he finished the water was grey. He poured it all out and went upstairs. He paused outside of Tharkay’s room, but could hear nothing. He wanted to go inside, but his friend was probably asleep, and no one appreciated being woken up just to be told good night. He had forgotten to bring a taper, and so when he reached his room he had to fumble in the dark for a nightshirt. It wasn’t too difficult. His ship days had taught him to keep his clothes in perfect order. Even without light he could locate anything he owned.

He draped his wet towel over the chair and felt for his bed. But then he crawled in, his hand settled on the warm body already occupying it. It stirred beneath his touch. Lawrence froze. He had forgotten how to move, how to work his hands or his mouth.

A sleepy mumble. “…Will?”

And with that, the strange male body became Tharkay. Lawrence slipped in beside him and covered them both.

“That’s right. Back to sleep, now.”

Tharkay shuffled closer and was still. His breath slowed to the even deepness of sleep. With the care he might show an infant, Lawrence smoothed back a lock of hair that had fallen out of place. He was aware of how each beat of his heart shuddered through him, bringing this moment to life. A lump the size of a cricket ball rose in his throat. He had to squeeze his eyes closed to focus on not choking. He didn’t understand what overwhelmed him. Why should he feel such a desperate need to protect a man that lay perfectly safe? His hand shook as he adjusted hair that no longer needed attention. It was the touching that was important, not its purpose.

“Tenzing.” If the name belonged to Tharkay, why did he feel he was naming himself?

He eased his body into a cradle of sorts and draped his arm over his friend. He wished his tiredness would disappear. His current feelings required analysis. But he only had a few minutes with it. Despite his determination, the soothing pattern of Tharkay’s breathing pulled him into sleep.

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The flagrant flatterer is steadily plunging into deeper waters. thankfully, I'm certain his Navy background has made a good swimmer out of him.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: An unexpected addition

The bed was empty when he woke. Lawrence wasn’t sure whether to smile or to scowl. It seemed that no matter who he was with, he was doomed to wake in the cold. Then he had a worse thought. What if Tharkay had awakened in the night, found himself terribly uncomfortable, and fled back to his own bed? He almost tripped over his own feet going to check, but Tharkay wasn’t in his room. Neither were the bed linens. He checked downstairs next, but there was no sign of him. Vague pricklings of panic stirred in his chest. He raced outside. It was quite possible Tharkay was simply with Temeraire. No doubt he wanted to give his own explanation for what had happened last night. But not only was Tharkay not in the pavilion, Temeraire wasn’t there either.

He’s done it, he thought, he’s run away with my dragon.

The thought only lasted a microsecond, but the roar of hurt that winked in and out of existence left his knees shaking. No, he told himself firmly, That would never happen. It still didn’t explain where they were. Had Temeraire seen Tharkay leaving and gone after him? Had an old enemy come to kidnap them both? Were they hurt, lost, killed? No, he told himself again, they must be all right. But the panic wouldn’t let him be sure. As he spun around he found himself wondering why humans ever formed attachments when they could bring on such terrible worry.

As the panic compounded, his body carried him around the grounds. He checked the stables, the outhouse, and the kitchen cottage where Temeraire’s cook prepared his meals, all with no luck. It was the desire for thoroughness, more than any real hope, that had him following the path behind the house that led to the river. He was already planning the list of friends he would enlist in a search party, when he heard the impossible: Tharkay’s laugh. He ran, and when he rounded the next bend in the trail, there he was, splashing in the river with a glistening Temeraire.

The relief he felt made him stumble to a tree for support. He wanted to call out, but there wasn’t enough air in his lungs. He drew in two deep breaths, enough to steady him, but it was also enough time to transform his relief into a blistering bonfire of anger. His feet carried him forward, but he was unaware of it. He focused on his hands, moving, reaching, until one finally closed on Tharkay’s arm like a pair of pliers and whipped him around.

“How could you!” He bellowed. “Have you any idea what I thought when you’d suddenly gone missing?”

Tharkay’s eyes and mouth both went wide. He was shirtless, and had his trousers rucked up to above his knees. His hair was bundled onto the top of his head and he was so desperately precious, so vital, that Lawrence thought he would split in half right where he stood.

“Thank god,” he rasped and crushed Tharkay to him. “If I had lost you, if you were hurt…”

But he could not bare to think those thoughts, and so he banished them. With his eyes squeezed shut he bade his mind open only to what lay immediately before him. Tharkay’s sun-warmed skin, the smell of summer wind in his hair, the water that trickled down his back and shoulders. He needed all of it, everything. His mouth was working, spilling words of relief as he claimed the canvas of Tharkay’s neck and face. He kissed him over and over, fury and joy mixed in a dizzying cocktail. And then there was need, a powerful line that cut through the others and left him gasping with purpose. His muscles flexed as he clawed at the body he held, that he must hold. His kisses took on fresh pressure and purpose. It wasn’t just blind space anymore, there was that beloved throat, his jaw, that lovely little mark behind his ear. Lawrence tongued it, to taste was to memorize, but when he did he was thrust back so hard he fell over into the water.

Tharkay stood above him, breath ragged and eyes wild, and Lawrence could do nothing but look at him. To look away was to lose out on something precious, and he needed to hold onto this, to _remember._

“Lawrence!”

Something nudged him. His dragon. Reflex made him clutch at the warm scaled hide. He was pulled to his feet. Tharkay still had not moved. His neck and jaw were red where Lawrence’s lips and stubble had attacked him.

“I’m sorry,” the words were from Tharkay, but seemed to come from much farther away. “We drew a large note in Temeraire’s sand table. I never thought you would miss it.”

“Never mind that!” Temeraire squawked. “What on earth are you doing out here in your night shirt?”

The comment broke his concentration. He looked down, and was shocked to see the clinging material, partially transparent now that it had been thoroughly drenched; a fact particularly problematic considering the shirt only came down to mid-thigh, and he wasn’t wearing anything underneath. He looked back up and found the tell-tale pink of Tharkay’s blush.

“I apologize, my dear.” Lawrence gave Temeraire’s nose a pat. “I must appear rather uncivilized.”

“Quite,” Temeraire said, but his teeth were bared in a dragon-esque smile. “Though I think it suits you. Accentuates your endowments, and so forth.”

Now it was Lawrence’s turn to blush. He almost reached down to cover himself, but felt that would only compromise his dignity further. Instead he squared his shoulders as if he had meant to come down and make a show of himself, and gave Tharkay a little bow.

“And I apologize for my wild accusations and behavior. It seems I scared myself to no purpose.”

Tharkay took his hand just long enough to give it a squeeze before letting go. “I wouldn’t say to _no_ purpose…”

Lawrence waited for an explanation but Tharkay went and fetched the basket of wet, freshly cleaned laundry. “Come, Temeraire, let’s hang these and fetch the next batch.”

Lawrence could only watch in confusion as Temeraire delicately hooked the other basket on one of his teeth, and followed after Tharkay in a sedate walk. He had never dreamed of involving the dragon in common household tasks. He would have thought it beneath the creature’s dignity even to mention it, but Temeraire looked delighted to be put to such purpose, and his swinging tail spoke to his contentment. He could think of nothing to say, and so only wrung what water he could out of his shirt, and hurried to follow.

He meant to duck into the house and pull on some pants, at the very least, but as they came around front to the door, the figure sitting on their stoop jumped to her feet. Emily was dressed in a white shirt, sans jacket, and her hardy uniform pants. Her hair was pulled back in a simple knot, and she wore a tan even a farm hand would be impressed with. Lawrence had known her too long to expect anything less, and would not have been scandalized had he only less of his skin on display. Emily took one look at the way he dripped coming along, and burst out in great hooting laughter.

“My god, if only I’d thought to bring Demane up with me. He’d never forget this so long as he lived!”

Lawrence snatched out one of the wet towels from the basket Tharkay held and tied it around his waist. “Is there any way I could persuade you not to tell your mother about this?”

“Not if you offered me all the money in the world,” she assured him, and came to throw her arms around Temeraire. The giant creature set his basket down and swung her up in its stead. She was quick to stroke his shimmering scales and remark, “But my, Temeraire, you look radiant! I came up here thinking to find you quite forlorn in your abandonment, but you seem quite the center of attention after all.”

“Tharkay polished me in the river. Apparently my hide works very well as a washing board, and all the soap gets me very clean indeed. Though Tharkay means to rub me all over in oil just in case the washing has a drying effect. He says I shall shine like the most finely grained obsidian when he is through with me.”

As he spoke, Temeraire beamed down at Tharkay. Lawrence could not help but recall what the man had said about courting, though Tharkay looked just as pleased hearing the words as the dragon did in saying them. His heart swelled, and he could not, in that moment, determine who he felt the greater fondness for.

“I admit, I did not only come to see you,” Emily said to the still-preening dragon. “I have my duties as a spy. I think mother is curious to know if all is as it should be for the honeymooning couple.”

Lawrence covered his grin. “Be sure to tell her I am in the throes of deepest mourning.”

“Well I doubt I’ll have enough time to slip your lies in. It shall take me the better part of the afternoon just to describe the effects of a wet shirt on your bare bum.”

Lawrence was scandalized, but the words set all around him to laughter, including Tharkay who had to clutch at his arm to keep himself from spilling the contents of the basket. Lawrence stared at him, enthralled that any action of his could give his friend such undiluted pleasure. It seemed his embarrassment had not come at too dear a price. Nevertheless, he was forced to excuse himself to go up to change. If he wore clothes just a touch too formal, it was done to armor himself against his recent gaffe. This meant that by the time he was back downstairs, Tharkay and Emily had already arranged for a picnic to be brought out to the pavilion.

“Look at how handsome he has made himself for you,” Emily said. At Lawrence’s look, she only laughed. “I don’t see why a girl can’t tease her father a little.”

They were the right words. Lawrence had to clear his throat several times before he was ready to speak. “And I don’t see why I should have to give you over to some spotty boy when I can easily keep you with me forever.”

“It’s too late for you to start fighting now that I’ve already agreed to him. Besides, Demane’s never had a spot in his life.”

“He’ll give the boy a lot worse than spots should he ever hurt you,” Tharkay said. “Though from what I’ve seen of you over the years, I doubt you’d need any help in that arena.” He looked up at Temeraire. “How many men would you say our Roland has bloodied in her service with you?”

“As many as Lawrence, I suspect, though perhaps not quite as many as me.”

Lawrence was forced to hide a grin again. Emily didn’t bother. “Must get the blood thirst from mum. Speaking of, did you know I’m to be a big sister?”

Lawrence, who had just been handed a cup of tea by his industrious Tharkay, sloshed a good portion over into the saucer.

Emily smoothed her hands down her thighs, pleased as punch to be the bearer of such scandal. “Of course. Hasn’t she begun to show yet? It’s already been several months.”

Now that she mentioned it, Jane had seemed a bit, well, rounder, of late, but he’d thought it the result of the usual thickening experienced by women as they settled into middling age. His shock made him blurt, “Is it mine then?”

Emily clapped her hands. “Better and better! I can’t wait to tell mother you’ve called her a floozy.”

Lawrence set his cup down with a clatter. “I have not!”

“Relax, she’d be flattered. Though I think we all know she hasn’t taken up with anyone else since starting up with you. Of course, it’s different now. Captain Taylor was at breakfast this morning, looking fairly rumpled. He’s twenty years her junior, but I don’t think we should hold that against her. He’s handsome enough if you go for the dark, weathered look.”

Lawrence couldn’t help but dart his eyes over to Tharkay, who, thankfully, wasn’t looking at him.

“A child at her age?” Temeraire asked. “Is it possible? Berkeley told me human fertility is ridiculously limited.

“Certainly, it’s possible. Mother is sure.”

“Why didn’t she tell me?” Lawrence demanded.

Emily’s answer was an infuriating, “You’ll have to ask her yourself.”

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any daddy Lawrence enthusiasts in the house?  
> (As a sidenote i'd like to state that though Ms. Novik has never explicitly told us that Lawrence has a nice ass, and likewise, she has never told us that Tharkay is an assman, I still think it's safe to say, that Tharkay would very much enjoy the view a wet nightshirt would afford.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: The Moon’s Story

They didn’t have to wait long for Jane. They finished the laundry, but Tharkay was still experimenting with the oils for Temeraire’s scales when Excidium made a noble landing beside the pavilion.

“Hello mother,” Emily called, happy to set aside the book of Chinese poetry Temeraire insisted she read aloud. He had been worrying about her losing her languages since Tharkay had explained to him that humans didn’t retain them as well as Celestials did.

“I thought I told you we were to give him a few days alone.” Jane’s reproving tone was ruined by the sparkling mischief in her eyes.

“I got curious,” Emily said. “And if you really didn’t want me coming, you wouldn’t have hinted about the horses needing exercise.”

Jane ignored that and came over to Lawrence. “You’re looking well.”

Emily saw her chance. “He looked even better this morning.”

Tharkay snapped the rag he was holding at her, but she danced out of the way. Lawrence got right to the point. “Should you be clambering aboard on dragons in your condition?”

Jane was never the type to respond well to the interference of others. Her response this time was probably exacerbated by the recent changes between them. She snagged him by the collar and yanked him down to her level. “Are you telling me my business, Will?”

He responded honestly. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Quick as her irritation had come, it was gone. She pecked him on the cheek and released him. “Good. Because I’ve come to tell you that she’s yours if you want her.”

If he’d still been holding that tea, he most definitely would have spilled the rest of it. “The baby?”

“No, her majesty, the queen. Of course, the baby! Aren’t we on the same page here? You’re the one who brought her up.”

“It’s a girl, then?” Temeraire asked.

“Oh, I’ve no idea. I suppose being paired with a longwing has colored my assumptions, though I suppose it doesn’t matter about the gender if she’s to be your companion after Lawrence.”

“I could never have another after Lawrence!” Temeraire asserted.

Jane snorted at this show of loyalty. “I’m afraid your attachment to Tharkay doesn’t represent your exclusivity well. You’ll have changed your tune by the time she’s taken her first steps. I’d bet my stripes on it.”

Lawrence was still hung up on the first bit. “But Jane, I don’t understand—”

“Why not? I promised you a kid a while back, didn’t I? Sure, I’m a bit late, but things were awfully busy during the war. I’ve only just gotten the opportunity to sit down, and I can assure you this will still be quite the annoyance. Pregnancy at my age…I expect you to be properly grateful.”

“I assure you, I’ve never been so gifted in my life. But surely you didn’t expect me to bind you to words carelessly spoken nearly a decade ago.”

“Well it’s done now, and thankfully most of the morning nausea is over. I warn you, Excidium is not happy with you at the moment. And if you don’t promise him to let him visit the child whenever he pleases he’ll have notions about kidnapping her.”

“Of course.” Lawrence made the hurried promise while a glaring Excidium lasered him with a powerful stare. “But Jane—”

“Really, Will. How many protests you have! I would have thought you glad of such a thing, and it’s the least you can do by your dragon.”

“That’s certainly true, but—”

“And I don’t see how else you’d come by one of the things. It’s not as if Tharkay can give you one, and I don’t think women will be lining up to hand you their children.”

“Yes, yes of course—”

“I know you two are perfectly pleased just to putter about by yourselves, for now, but it’s important to think of the future, and, gracious as I am, I don’t think I’ve got too much longer before all my eggs turn to dust. This might be your only chance to—”

“JANE!”

“What?”

He grabbed both her hands. “I haven’t any objections. I would be honored to rear any child of yours. It’s only that this is such a tremendous gift, and I’ve no way to repay you. It compels me to ask…are you certain?”

She withdrew one of her hands and pressed it to his chest. “Do I strike you as a woman of an uncertain mind?”

That only had one answer. “Never.”

“Indeed.” She picked a hair off his jacket. “As for repayment… You protected my daughter through the perils of a long war, and raised her to be a woman any mother would be proud of. I should think ten years of such service an easy trade for a pregnancy.”

His hand scrambled to regain hers. “If I could claim her as an accomplishment, it would beat anything else I have ever done. Alas, her success is rooted only in herself. Pretending otherwise would be to deny the inherited stubbornness that runs in her veins.”

Her smile started in her eyes, and transformed her face. A week ago, he would have swept her into his arms and kissed her breathless, now his first instinct was to turn to Tharkay.

“Is this what you want?”

Tharkay froze. Apparently, it had never occurred to him that he might be consulted. Finally, after a bit of uncharacteristic stammering, he bit out, “I’m sure I’ll be happy with whatever you choose.”

Temeraire treated the matter as settled. “Well I call that generous. Excidium, may I speak to you?”

The two dragons headed skyward to seek a place where they could converse in private. Jane saw them off with a snort. “There goes my ride home.”

“Home? I should think not,” Lawrence said. He wanted to hurry to a pen and paper to jot down all the questions he had before they flew out of his mind.

“You’ll want to stay,” Tharkay said. “Lawrence has promised to have a go at shepherd’s pie for tonight’s dinner. Apparently, his last attempt set the kitchen on fire.”

“I was twelve.”

Jane released Lawrence and went to take Tharkay’s arm. “I’m trying to picture him as a child, but can only imagine a short adult. I’m sure he was one of those awful somber creatures who stared broodingly out of windows on rainy days.”

Lawrence knew anything he tried to say on the matter would be turned against him. Instead he focused on his questions, organizing them by priority level. He loosed them once Jane was sitting down in the kitchen, and still hadn’t let up by the time Emily was picking the last bit of crust out of the pie tin.

“Do shut up,” Jane told him pleasantly after a question on birth weights, “or I’ll have to murder you.”

He was willing to agree that he was slightly overboard when his first thought to his own murder was the worry that Jane would exert herself unduly and harm the baby. Emily was helping him clear up when Tharkay stepped back into the house.

“Excidium is asking after you,” he told Jane. “He says it’s time you took yourself and the egg to bed.”

Jane made a sound of disgust and gestured to Lawrence. “Between him and Nana here I won’t have a moment’s peace, will I?”

Still, she clapped him on the shoulder before she went. He tried to walk her out, but she waved him away and snagged Tharkay on her way to the door.

“I could go eavesdrop,” Emily offered.

He had been thinking along similar lines himself, but now that she’d offered he had to turn her down to set a positive example. He peppered her with some questions about the corps, her friends, and how Demane was settling in as a captain. But when Jane called for her to come, she sprang out of her seat, mid-answer.

“I’ll come visit again soon,” she promised at the crestfallen look on his face.

He caught her shoulder before she could leave. “You’re being careful, right?”

It was a question he dreaded, but felt determined to ask. He knew that Emily, long independent, and her mother’s daughter, wouldn’t bind herself to societal convention. Still, it tore his heart to see the little scrap of a runner he’d raised atop Temeraire, exposed to the wider vulgarity of the real world.

Emily laughed. “Calling both mother and daughter hussies in the span of a day, what a feat!” she softened the barb by taking his hand and giving it a squeeze. “Only on safe days, and only with Demane. Don’t worry. I won’t shame you with a swollen belly come the wedding.”

He pulled her head toward him and kissed the top of it. “Damn what it looks like, I just don’t want to see you hurt.”

When she pulled away she was still smiling. “I suppose I could try not to torment you with worry.”

Lawrence didn’t tell her that there was nothing she could do to keep the worry away completely. He walked her to the door and watched both her and her mother climb up onto Excidium. They both moved with the smooth grace of many years’ practice, and it was harder, in the moonlight, to tell the two apart.

He spoke when he felt Tharkay come up beside him.

“I look at her, how she’s grown... The war took ten years away from me, Tenzing. I know they weren’t wasted, they brought me you and Temeraire after all, but I cannot help but wonder at what Napoleon stole from all of us because there wasn’t peace.”

He waited for Tharkay to answer him with some wise tidbit that would set everything back in it’s proper place, but he said nothing. Temeraire came and made a shelter for them beneath one of his wings.

“The moon is beautiful tonight,” the dragon said. It had waxed full, and coated everything in its pale and flattering light. “Did you ever hear the story of Chang E, Lawrence?”

The strange melancholy that filled him pulsed. “No, my dear. Would you tell it?”

“It is a Chinese origin story about how the moon was formed. At the start of it, china is suffering under the brutal heat of ten suns. But then a hero, Hou Yi, came and slayed nine of them so that life could be lived in ease. From this, his fame spread, and he came to marry a beautiful woman named Chang E.

“One day, Yi met the queen of heaven, Wangmu, who recognized him and gave him an elixir to transform whoever drank it into a god or goddess. Instead of drinking it himself, Yi gave the elixir to his wife to keep. However, the jealous Peng Meng saw this transaction, and sought to steal the elixir. When he cornered Chang E, she realized she could not escape, and, rather than die, drank the elixir. The moment she did so, she flew up into the heavens, but her great love for her husband pulled at her, and so she settled in the moon, the closest celestial object to earth.”

Lawrence touched the webbing of Temeraire’s wing and felt the thrumming pulse of the vessels that worked near the surface of the relatively thin membrane. “Thank you.”

Temeraire brought his wing in a little more snugly. “My mother tells it better.”

For a moment, Lawrence saw double, and then the power of his thoughts hit him like a downed mast. How long had it been since Temeraire had seen his mother? The dragon might seem grown, but he was still a puppy when one considered the longevity of his species. After a wildly tumultuous hatching and first year of life, he had finally been brought to meet his family. And how long had Lawrence given him before cruelly ripping him away? They had never visited again. Lawrence had dragged him around the world, putting him in endless danger, and for what? A war Temeraire didn’t believe in, and a king and country not his own. It was only loyalty to Lawrence that kept him here, apart from a family that might end with Temeraire, the youngest of the celestials.

“Lawrence! what is the matter? Tell me what has happened to him, Tharkay. Did you say you would leave again? He is so very pale.”

Tharkay. He had treated him even worse than Temeraire. Coming and going whenever he pleased, often leaving him the most dangerous and unpleasant tasks because he wouldn’t trust them to anyone else. At least he had offered Temeraire affection and constant companionship. To Tharkay he had given the worst of himself, his blackest moods, his doubts, his whining. He had always expected his friend to be stronger than him, and used him like a shelf for his burdens.

“Look at me, Will. What is it??”

Without realizing it, he had tightened his fists and hunched his shoulders, but when Tharkay touched his face he went eerily boneless. Lawrence closed his eyes against the concern in their faces, but that only heightened the sensation on his cheek, and he could not help but notice how delicate it seemed. He had almost lost Tharkay once. What could he give the man to ensure he never contemplated the option again?

“I promised you happiness, but what if I don’t know how to do that? What if it takes me too long to figure out? You must stay by my side, Tharkay. Call me a tyrant, I don’t care. I won’t hear of you leaving. I won’t. “

As he said these words his agitation could be seen in every part of him. Breathless, and dizzy, he felt the need to make Tharkay promise him his heart, but even in such a state he could see the black injustice to such a demand.

With a hand on his back, and slow gentleness, Tharkay lowered him to the ground. It was a relief to surrender to a touch more trusted and capable than his own. The grass was cool and dry against his skin. Tharkay loosened his neckcloth for him and undid the top two buttons of his shirt. “What brought this on? Talk of the baby?”

Lawrence spread his hands. The grass tickled his palms, a living carpet. For a while, he dared not speak, too worried of making things worse. But the longer Tharkay sat looking over him, the less Laurence could resist. Finally, the words crowded out of him, against his will.

“I think when the war finished I was determined to live a waking sleep. I was so tired, and I just wanted all of you to play the roles I’d cut out for you, with everything static and safe, and no possibility of death. But the past few days it’s been different. When you tried to leave, you woke me up, and now everything is brighter. I’ve got to face change, and I’m afraid I won’t make worthy choices. I’ve already done so much I regret.”

He saw Temeraire raking the dirt with his talons. Maybe they wouldn’t let go of the gardener. He felt for any piece of his dragon and found a wing joint. He stroked it, and with his other hand, reached out and found Tharkay’s leg. Despite his agitation, touching them both at once had an irrepressibly soothing effect. He opened his eyes and nearly shut them again. Tharkay wore an expression so intense it scared him.

“What are you thinking?” Lawrence asked. It was an obnoxious question, and the second time he’d asked it in so many days. He hoped it wouldn’t become a habit.

“That I should like to kiss you.”

It was not what he expected. “Will you do it?”

Tharkay didn’t answer, neither did he look away. Lawrence tensed up. But it wasn’t fear. His stomach roiled, and he realized he _wanted_ Tharkay to kiss him, had wanted it for a while, but hadn’t recognized the restlessness in him as desire. He pushed himself up onto his elbows. “Please do it. Kiss me.”

Tharkay blinked, his intensity gone hesitant. “Temeraire is watching.”

“No I’m not.”

Laurence’s lips quirked in a half-smile. The queasy need in his stomach was quieted, but not extinguished. He sat up. “Hold me, then.”

He held out his arms, but Tharkay ducked his head. He wasn’t going to do it. Lawrence tried not to feel let down. It was fine. They had plenty of time. His joy in Tharkay’s presence wasn’t diminished. He would get up, bid Temeraire good night, and—

It was just a brush of lips—blink, and you would miss it, but the soft kiss was so sweet it brought tears to his eyes.

“Tenzing.”

As a captain, he had been known for his steady hands, but now they shook, as they so often did, when he reached for his friend. Tharkay took hold of the hand, aborting the touch before it could reach his face. “Enough for now?”

“That depends.” The words came out deeper than he thought they would. He cleared his throat. “Will you come with me to bed?”

“I won’t sleep if you touch me.”

“Then I won’t. It’s enough that you’ll be near.”

He let go first to show Tharkay he meant it. This earned him a smile that made his joints ache.

Nearby, Temeraire shuffled. “Is Lawrence the only one you’ll kiss?”

Tharkay turned and opened his arms. He was nearly bowled over by the head presented to him, but he caught himself and set to kissing Temeraire so liberally Lawrence had to fake a jealous rage to make him stop.

When they went inside, he was smiling, but as he climbed the steps to his room, he was seized with a fit of nerves. He turned to Tharkay, who was walking behind him, and was reminded of that first bitter kiss. “Do you want me to…?”

Tharkay didn’t need him to finish the sentence. He gave Lawrence a push. “Go on. I’ll join you in a minute.”

It turned out to be quite a few minutes. Lawrence had time to wash his face and teeth, put on his nightshirt, put away his clothes, and set out the ones for tomorrow before there was a tap at the door.

“Come in.” He stumbled on the words, and that made him feel foolish. He was much too old for this anxiety. He had fathered a baby, for god’s sake. But then Tharkay stepped inside, and his foolishness felt justified. The night before he had worn a full set of pajamas, but now he wore only a nightshirt, much like Laurence. It was the natural choice for a warm summer night, but seeing it made his mouth so dry it hurt to swallow. He realized he was staring, and as he did, the blush rose, not only in Tharkay’s cheeks, but on his throat as well.

“When you look at me like that, Will, I worry I will grow too bold.”

He had brushed his hair out and tied it back in a loose braid. Lawrence wondered how it felt to tug the brush through it. “Not bold enough to suit me, I’m afraid.”

Tharkay bit his lip. It was not a sign of displeasure.

“Did you tease Jane so?”

Lawrence shook his head. He wanted a drink of water. “I have never felt anything like this.”

Tharkay closed his eyes, though whether it was to shut something out, or keep something in, Lawrence couldn’t guess. “It is terrible that you dare me to hope.”

Lawrence would have traded away all his worldly wealth to buy reassurance for Tharkay, but he knew only time would convince him. He went to extinguish the taper on the nightstand. “Come to bed.”

Lawrence slipped in first, and held the covers up until Tharkay was settled in beside him. They lay facing each other. As his eyes adjusted to the dark, Lawrence was able to make out the shape of his face, the braid over his shoulder, and finally the lashes that framed his eyes.

“Is this how a bride feels on her first night?” Tharkay asked. His tone was light, but Lawrence didn’t think the question was entirely in jest.

“You belong here beside me,” Lawrence said. “I think that’s what I realized last night. I only want to be here because you are.”

“Careful, Admiral. I cannot afford to feel anymore than I already do.”

It was hard not to reach out, even harder to shut his eyes, but he did.

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think the most shocking thing about this story is how little Tharkay sleeps considering how exhausting love is.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: Heartbreak

Laurence woke to Tharkay’s attempt at rising. Tharkay looked beautiful in the soft light of dawn, but then Laurence was starting to think he would look beautiful anytime. His hair had loosened in the night, with pieces falling out of the braid to frame his face. He scooted up in bed and held out a hand. “Must you leave me?”

“If I give in to your every demand you will think me easy.”

“Accessible is the word I would use.”

Tharkay gave him the first smile of the day. “Are you going to dally in bed all day? It’s your turn to cook breakfast.”

With that, he left. Laurence watched him until he was out of sight, then flopped back onto the bed. It was not his fault his friend was content with a paucity of sleep. He thought to rest a while longer, but, empty as it was, the bed no longer called to him. He dressed quickly and went to find Tharkay, who was in his room putting the finishing touches on his appearance.

“You should move your wardrobe into my room.”

He found himself staring at the back of Tharkay’s neck. The man’s allure was troubling.

“Are you so keen to see me dress?”

He did not try to use wit where simple honesty would do. “Yes.”

Tharkay went still. Laurence went to him and put his arms around him from behind. “Is my curiosity a disservice?”

Tharkay’s hands were clumsy as he pulled himself free. “It is where it concerns me.”

“You still fear my rejection then? It won’t happen, you know.”

Thakay pressed his lips together in a line and left the room. After several seconds, Laurence followed. The kitchen was empty. He fetched eggs and bacon from the cold box, and set the tea to boil. He was turning off the flame when Tharkay came in from outside. Laurence didn’t have to hear him to feel he was there. And that awareness brought another with it. There was no reason, none at all, for why distance still existed between them. As Laurence turned he was already reaching, and he knew, without knowing how he did, that the wait was over. Before he could complete the turn, he was jolted away from the stovetop as rough hands shoved him up against the counter. The force of it made him exhale directly onto Tharkay’s face. The man’s entire front was pressed against his, and the space between their faces so small as to make Laurence go cross-eyed trying to focus on his features.

“I’ll be damned if you haven’t inspired every foolish act I’ve ever committed,” Tharkay claimed. And then, without giving Laurence time to be insulted, gripped his face with both hands and kissed him.

It was hard and furious, and yet nothing like the time on the stairs. His hands filled with hair and cloth as he clutched Tharkay to him, surprised at the intensity of the fire that blazed within him, yet sure enough not to question it. Hands pulled at his arms, his back. Tharkay’s mouth opened, and just like that, he was tasting him. He made an encouraging sound that was swallowed down, and returned with such an upsurge of enthusiasm it nearly sent them both to the floor. Laurence found himself tugging at Tharkay’s waist, despite the clear impossibility of further diminishing the space between them. Tharkay’s hands pushed him up even as their mouths parted.

“You feel it.” Tharkay’s breaths were coming in quick and shallow bursts. “You feel it as I do.”

Laurence could only gape at the loss. “Don’t stop.” He became aware of the insistent pressure between his legs. Tharkay took it as encouragement. As he stole Laurence’s mouth again, his hand snaked down to his trousers. He managed the buttons with deadly efficiency, and was pulling him out into the air and sinking to his knees, before Laurence even realized his lips had been abandoned.

“Tell me you want this.” Tharkay’s eyes flared with life and heat. Laurence knew he was lost.

“Yes, god, hurry—”

His groan tore at his throat as Tharkay’s mouth, a cavern of heat and pressure, descended upon him. He felt himself pulse, already close to losing it. He threw his head back as he twisted his hands in Tharkay’s hair, desperate prompting and prayer in lungs that had not the air to breathe them.

“I hear congratulations are in order! Laurence, a father, it’s about damn--”

In his distraction, Laurence had not heard the front door, but even his newfound ardor could not blind him to the booming sound of his friend’s voice. He had one terrible second of recognition, before Granby was there, in the kitchen doorway, staring at them with eyes blown wide.

Tharkay was the quickest to react, putting Laurence to rights as he rose smoothly to his feet. “John.”

“A thousand pardons. I should have knocked. I don’t know why I…”

Granby was already peddling backwards, his hands raised as if they would protect him from what he had just witnessed. His usual wind-chapped redness disappeared as paleness overtook him. Laurence was paralyzed. He’d never been subject to such a situation, and had no idea what to do. Tharkay was not as useless. The burning fervor in his eyes had been replaced with barely contained panic.

“You must go to him! Right now!”

Laurence stumbled as he was pulled away from the counter. “I don’t think--”

“You don’t understand. He’s been in love with you even longer than I have!”

The words seemed outlandish, but could not be dismissed. He had known Tharkay too long not to trust the truth in his eyes.

“Quickly, Will. Quickly. I can only imagine his hurt.”

Laurence didn’t waste his breath on a reply. He darted around Tharkay and raced out of the house. Granby was already climbing aboard his dragon. It was a testament to his distraction that even a captain as experienced as he could slip as he went. Laurence launched himself forward with all possible speed, and only spared enough breath to shout, “Temeraire! Stop them!”

Temeraire, always quick on the uptake, seized on Laurence’s words like gospel, and flung himself out from his pavilion to crowd Izkierka before she could finish the spring of her jump. The aborted effort made the two crash together, and flung poor Granby off his feet. Throughout the muddle, Laurence had not paused, and sprang up Izkierka’s side. Her many spines made the climb easy, and he was at Granby’s side before the man could stand. He fell to his knees and took his shoulders. “John.”

“Don’t. I’m fine. I just need--”

Laurence pulled his old friend into his arms and squeezed him close. “My dear John, I’m sorry you had to see such a thing, truly sorry.” He pulled Granby’s face into his neck and rocked him as the man’s tears started. Wretched, and unrestrained, the sobs tore Laurence’s heart in half.

“Come, now. Don’t waste your tears on me, John. A sweeter and kinder man than you I never knew.”

“Get away from him!” Izkierka roared. “What have you done? Oh Granby, why do you cry?”

Someone touched his back. Laurence looked up and found solemn Tharkay at his shoulder. A turn of his head showed him Temeraire had backed away a step and stood looking at the mess of them with worried confusion. Laurence looked back down when Granby raised his head. His face was streaked with tears. That, and the puffy eyes, made him look as abused as a drowned puppy. Laurence cradled his face in both hands, bent forward, and pressed a kiss to his forehead. When he pulled back again, Granby scrubbed his face with a rough hand and turned his face away.

“I don’t even know why I’m reacting this way. I love Augustine. I really do.”

Tharkay knelt and offered his handkerchief. “The human heart rarely contains itself to a single person, and I’m afraid yours is larger than most.”

“That’s stupid,” Granby said. “Why am I so stupid?”

“If you’re stupid, then I’m worse. Just think of all the scrapes I’ve gotten us into over the years and tell me who’s the bigger idiot," Laurence said. “You have been so vital to all of those gathered here. I don’t imagine we would have ever come out of the war alive without you.”

But Granby didn’t want to hear praise. He took Tharkay’s hand and looked him in the face. “I’m glad it’s you. I know you’ll make him happy.”

Tharkay covered the hand with both of his. “That means everything, coming from you.”

Granby shrugged. “I must congratulate you, really. You’ve done the impossible.”

“In that, we were both wrong. It turns out our Will is one of those elusive bisexuals.”

This brought a glint of warmth to that pale face. “Not truly?”

“Oh yes. Apparently, there was,” Tharkay lowered his voice and raised an eyebrow, “A _navy man_.”

Granby’s laugh was brittle, but genuine. “By god. Does Nick know him?”

“I’m afraid I haven't had the opportunity to ask. Perhaps Little can get it out of him.”

Laurence had been quiet as he watched Tharkay work his magic, but now he touched Granby’s shoulder to gain his attention and said, “I cannot think of any other man who would sacrifice all of his happiness to a friend. I know I could not have done the same. Tenzing and I will be forever in your debt.”

“The concept of debt cannot exist between you and I,” Granby said. “What I have, I will always be willing to give to you.”

The idea was a spur of the moment thing, but as it bubbled to his lips he knew it was right. “Then you will help me raise our child? I cannot speak for Tenzing, but I’m afraid I don’t have much experience with tykes. Jane seems to think I managed Emily okay, but I don’t think she ever needed parents, and she was already at an independent age when I got her.”

Granby stared at him, confusion displacing his grief. “What are you…?”

Tharkay took over. “He’s trying to say it’s time you joined your family to ours, and I quite agree.  You and Augustine have been my haven for years. And when you think about it, four men must be more effective than two. All together we should be able to manage what a mother can achieve.”

Granby could do nothing but blink for a while. Tears still glistened on his cheeks. Laurence took the handkerchief from his hand and dabbed at them. His friend’s color was starting to return. Finally, Granby turned shy eyes to his lap and mumbled, “Augustine has always wanted a child.”

With the satisfaction that comes with setting a great thing to rights, Laurence stood, and brought Granby up with him.

“Excellent! Naturally, we will need to discuss the details. There are many arrangements to be made. When can we, all four, meet? It will be good to have Little for planning. He’s always had such a solid head on his shoulders.”

Granby still retained some of his confusion, and he wasn’t quite steady on his feet, but his easy-going willingness came forth, as it always did.

“You must come to us! Augustine is dying to entertain visitors. He’s quite the cook, you know. Tharkay can tell you.”

“It’s true.” He looked at Laurence. “Maybe he can help bolster your skills.”

“Hush. My cooking is functional.”

“So’s the rest of you, from what I saw,” Granby said. Laurence knew better than to assume his friend was recovered, but it couldn’t be that bad if he was already joking about it.

Laurence clasped his hands. “Until tonight, then?”

Granby leaned in and brushed a soft kiss to his mouth. Laurence’s eyes flew open with surprise. Seeing it, Granby laughed with true feeling. “Payback, for your first attempt.”

Laurence felt his relief in his knees. He had not realized how worried he’d been until it was lifted from his chest. Tharkay perfected the moment by leaning in next to claim a kiss from Granby as well. It was gentle, and, Laurence believed, intended to heal. Tharkay brushed Granby’s hair back and peered into his face. “You are the most honorable rival a man could have, and a true friend. I’ve always believed that.”

Granby had to surrender to the emotion this brought on, and wiped his face on his shoulder. “I’d better get back.”

Laurence felt like there was still more to do for the situation. He wanted to give additional reassurance. Tell Granby he would lay down his life to protect him, and that he would trust him with Tharkay and Temeraire if anything were to happen. But Tharkay took him by the arm and led him down from Izkierka before he could say anything more.

As he lifted off, Granby gave them a wave and the best smile he could manage. Laurence clutched the hand that held onto him and tried his best to smile in return. He kept it on his face until the sound of Izkierka’s wings could no longer be heard.

“I’m impressed,” Tharkay said.

“He’s a champion at recovery.”

“I wasn’t talking about him.”

Tharkay met his eyes in an even stare. It was hard not to shut his eyes against it, but he managed. He was rewarded for his bravery. Tharkay twined his arms around his neck and gathered him in. “Even now, I could have been on the deck of a Colonies bound ship making the biggest mistake of my life. I suspect I will spend the rest of my time thanking you for stopping me.”

It was quite possibly the only opportunity he’d ever get, so Laurence seized hold of it with great pleasure as he said, “Let the record show that my stubbornness _can_ come in handy.”

Tharkay’s startled laugh gave Laurence the initiative to steal a kiss. It was clumsy with nervousness, but when Tharkay pulled him in for another, and a third, he patted himself soundly on the back for a job well done, or he would have, had he not been so heavily involved in the proceedings. He had never figured another man’s chest would ever distract him, but the way Tharkay’s pushed against his had him rethinking all sorts of things (mainly, if he could manage to get them both inside, and undressed, without removing his mouth from the man.)

“Must you mate now? I need your help to write an apology note to Izkierka.”

At the first word from Temeraire, Tharkay broke the kiss. Laurence, following some ancient breeding instinct, leaned in to follow the retreating lips, and was held at bay by insistent arms.

“Why?” Tharkay asked. Laurence was well-satisfied to hear the breathlessness in his voice.

“Because whenever I try to word something nicely to her it ends up...injurious.”

Laurence would not be completely cut off. His thumb traced the shape of Tharkay’s bottom lip. The blood roaring in his ears was making comprehension difficult. Tharkay smacked his hand away.

“I meant why must you apologize?”

“What do you mean, why? Did you not see how much distress we caused her? She is sure to have nightmares, just as I did when you made Laurence cry.”

Laurence finally pulled his eyes away from Tharkay’s lips to look at his dragon.

“But why on earth would you blame yourself for Granby’s suffering?”

Temeraire scratched at his foreleg. “Well, if I hadn’t taken you to Tharkay, you could have been his nest mate.”

“Is someone ever going to explain that term to me?” Tharkay asked with very little hope in his voice.

“My dear heart, Granby has Little.”

“But he still cries for you.”

“Yes.”

Temeraire’s fidgeting increased to the point that Laurence worried he would dislodge some scales. He knew how much his dragon liked to make neat sense of things, but there wasn’t much he could say to ease him. It was Tharkay who rescued them in the end.

“Maybe we can give her a gift along with the apology. I have a jeweled box big enough for a letter.”

“That’s perfect! But are you really willing to part with your treasure for my sake?”

Tharkay put his hand atop Temeraire’s foreleg to still its irritated motions. “Before I left for the Chrysanthemum, I told my lawyer to gift you and Laurence with the entirety of my estate. Do you really think I’d hold a silly box hostage if it might comfort you in some way?”

“Oh!” Temeraire scooped Tharkay up and brought him to his face. “You are the treasure. Better than Laurence’s splendid robes or even my precious breastplate. I should not ever think to let you go. Not ever!”

A warmth that was almost pain flooded Laurence’s chest, and he knew that, despite his mistakes, he had come to all the right choices in the end. He would not let his own guilt stop him from enjoying what he had. Not anymore.

At first it seemed Temeraire would never put Tharkay down, but when he remembered that he had arrangements to make, he put them all to work.

“But my dear,” Laurence tried to assert with a longing look toward Tharkay. Temeraire dismissed the entreaty with easy disdain.

“Don’t start, Laurence. You’ll have endless opportunities to mate in the future, but this dinner with Little and Granby will only happen once.”

“But we’ve eaten with them countless times!”

Laurence was aware of how whiney he sounded, but Tharkay was cleaning the foreleg Temeraire had dirtied in his restlessness, and the motions of his arms were exceedingly distracting.

“This is your first outing as a proper pair! Now fetch out my talon sheaths. They need polishing.”

“Tenzing’s lips needs polishing too,” Laurence mumbled. He didn’t think anyone heard him, but as he passed Tharkay to get to the chest where the sheaths were stored, he could have sworn he saw the blush creeping up his cheeks.

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our poor Granby has so much love in his heart, and life is full of messiness.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: Duty

In the end, they didn’t get a moment alone before it was time to go, and on the ride over Tharkay would do nothing more than hold his hand.

“It isn’t polite to Temeraire,” he explained. “And I won’t intrude on the respect of our hosts by showing up in disarray.”

“I only hope there won’t be any protests against disarray later,” Laurence said as they were dismounting.

Tharkay’s only reply was to offer his arm. Laurence gave him a slight bow and took it, feeling very much like a country girl being invited to the ball by the crown prince.

Granby came out as soon as he heard Temeraire land.

”Were you unaware that showing up early is the rudest possible thing a guest can do?”

Laurence was all-over relief when his friend came straight over to clasp his hand. He’d been prepared for awkwardness, or even lethal embarrassment, but Granby wore his warmth like a bright halo.

“I figured my devilishly handsome face would be enough to convince you otherwise,” Laurence said.

Granby greeted that with great rumbling laughter and slapped him on the back. “No doubt. Though I assume the real reason lies in that beast of yours. Temeraire, old boy, did you really have to drag out the talon sheaths to visit our crumbling old house?”

It wasn’t crumbling, but it wasn’t exactly ship shape either. Granby had snagged the house the week they got back from the final battle. He’d been worried about how Izkierka would acclimate to peace and had chosen a place out in the countryside not only because of its proximity to Tharkay’s estate, but so his dragon could throw her tantrums in relative peace. Granby had not meant for the purchase to be permanent, but it seemed comfortable enough for now. He led them to the pavilion and found Little putting the finishing touches on the table settings.

“I’m surprised they’ve still got you on leave,” Tharkay said.

Laurence could do nothing but stare as he watched his friend go right up to Little and press a hand to his back. Little either had a great poker face, or was used to such gestures, because his only reaction was a shake of the head.

“Izkierka threatened to burn up the courier who came to call me back, and we haven’t had another since.”

“I figure we could probably get away with it forever too,” Granby added. “But Augustine’s too honorable for that. He’s already written that he’ll be back to drilling next week.”

“And you as well?” Laurence asked.

“I’m afraid Izkierka doesn’t find the idea of peacetime duty intriguing in the slightest. She’s told me, in no uncertain terms, that unless there’s a war on, she won’t be caught dead in an English covert.”

“Or flying formations either,” Izkierka said, coming down to land as if summoned by her name. “I can’t think of anything more boring or useless.”  Immortalis dropped down beside her. Granby crossed his arms.

“Finally back from your secret assignation, are you?”

“I just fancied a night flight is all.”

Granby leaned in close to whisper. “I think she’s scared I’ll cry again, poor thing, even though I’ve tried to convince her that’s done with.”

Izkierka stomped over to the pavilion and narrowly avoided hitting the table with her tail. She curled up by the dragon sized brazier (nights could be chilly even in the summertime) and turned away from them in clear avoidance.

Laurence didn’t miss the consternation that crossed Granby’s face, though he quickly covered it over with a smile. “Shall I fetch the food then, Augustine?”

Little must have been cooking all afternoon, because the dragons had multiple dishes (none of which their companions shared. Dragon food was flavored a little too strongly for safe human digestion) as well as several courses for the human guests. Granby warned him at the start that there would be too much food, but Laurence forgot to pace himself. After taking the first bite of his appetizer, he reached across the table and snagged Little’s arm as he went to lift his glass.

“Augustine,” he said, using the man’s given name for the very first time. He was entirely in earnest when he asked, “Have you made a deal with the devil?”

Granby smacked the table as he laughed. “I told you he was good!”

The comment brought Laurence’s eyes round. “And how is it you haven’t yet a great heaping belly on you?”

“He’s young still,” Little said. It was hard to read a man who wore so little of his emotions on his face, but Laurence would hazard that he looked pleased. “And I haven’t had much chance to cook for him until recently.”

Granby leaned back in his chair. “And soon it will be all gone when the cursed corps snatches him back. Tell them you won’t go, Augustine. I shall perish without you.”

“I told you, my sister says you are welcome to dine with her.”

“As if I could eat anyone’s cooking after yours! It goes to ash in my mouth.”

Immortalis, who was sharing body heat with Izkierka, lifted his head. “Don’t believe a word of it. He eats as much as a dragon.”

Little reached over and smoothed a hand down Granby’s flat stomach. “I’ll never understand where it all goes.”

Granby waggled his eyebrows. “I spend all the energy on you.”

Laurence was surprised to be witness to the exchange. Always the two had appeared so proper. It had irked him, he realized now, that they’d thought him delicate enough to need protection from their love. Or maybe they had not been too wary to risk his reaction. But it couldn’t be that. The idea he hadn’t been trusted was too uncomfortable to accept. He consoled himself with the thought that whatever had been, was over.

They were finishing dessert (a lovely pudding so thoroughly doused with alcohol he felt tipsy off the fumes) when Laurence summoned his courage and broached the topic he’d begun earlier.

“Has John had the time to share my offer with you?”

Little set his spoon down and dabbed carefully at his mouth. He set the napkin on the table and folded his hands. “He did mention something of it to me, but he believed it was a statement made under pressure, and wouldn’t dream of holding you to it.”

“But I did mean it.” Laurence turned his eyes to Granby, “I’ve finally learned the importance of holding onto what’s important.” He took hold of Tharkay’s hand, but his eyes didn’t move. “I think I would have come to ask you this regardless of any baby, though of course Jane’s child does add urgency to the matter.”

Granby leaned back in his chair. It was a gesture to create distance, not relaxation. “How could you ask this? Have you even consulted Tharkay? How would he feel to have this time stolen from him because—”

“You wouldn’t be stealing anything,” Tharkay said. His voice was quiet, but it cut through Granby’s protests without effort. “You two are as much my family as you are his, perhaps even more so. Besides, Laurence and I need you if our child is to have anything close to a decent childhood. How many siblings do you have again?”

Granby looked down into his lap. “Five.”

“And seven nieces and nephews,” Little said. “Have you ever seen him with them, Laurence?”

He hadn’t, but he smiled because he could imagine it. He was sure that Granby, with his boundless energy, was the type to throw kids up in the air and chase them around until they screamed for mercy.

“Come live with us.”

Granby didn’t say anything. Laurence turned back to Little. “Tenzing and I live in one of the smaller estate houses now, but we can always move back into the house proper if you desire more room.”

“It will need repairs,” Tharkay added. “It’s drafty, some might even call it haunted, but if we get the work started now it could be done in time for the baby.”

Little held up his hands. “A grand estate house? I should think not. John and I wouldn’t know what to do with ourselves.”

“And I should worry about losing track of you,” Temeraire added. “It’s really much too large and isn’t close to my pavilion.”

“Too far for a hulking creature like you?” Laurence said.

But Temeraire would not be teased. “The way it is now I can stretch up and bid you good night before I sleep, and should anything bad happen you need only shout and I’d be right there to hear you. No. I won’t stand for the move. And it isn’t necessary. Now that Laurence and Tharkay are sleeping together, Tharkay’s old room can become a nursery, and the servant’s quarters can be refitted for Little and Granby. We can build more pavilions, and, in the meantime, I don’t mind sharing mine. It’s big enough.”

It was his willingness to share that impressed Temeraire’s need onto him the deepest. Just the thought of moving further away was putting distress in the dragon’s voice. Laurence left his seat to go to him.

“Your thoughts, Tenzing?”

Tharkay rested his arm on the back of his chair. “I agree with Temeraire. I don’t have many memories of the big house that I’d like to relive. And I enjoy sneaking out the window to have tea with him in the morning to watch the sunrise.”

The warmth of Temeraire’s hide was the only think rooting Laurence in reality as he pictured Tenzing slipping out _the window_ in his _nightshirt_ while he slept on unaware.

“How long has this been going on!”

Tharkay’s eyes twinkled. Laurence was beginning to think people enjoyed baiting him.

“A while.” It was worse than no answer at all.

Temeraire snuffed at his hair. “I’d invite you, but you enjoy sleeping so much.”

Laurence refused to reiterate that he slept exactly as much as a normal person should. Instead he focused his mind back to the real topic at hand and said, “Just think about it, please.”

Little stood, and began to stack the empty plates, his expression unreadable. He said nothing as he took a tray of dishes off the pavilion and back into the house. Tharkay watched him go, waited a few moments, and then followed him inside.

“I didn’t know those two were close,” Laurence said. “I pride myself on knowing Tenzing, but I think he just lets me believe that.”

“You do know him,” Granby said. “And you have his heart. I don’t need to tell you how uncommon that is.”

“I’m fortunate.”

Izkierka made an annoyed sound, and flicked her tail out to curl around her captain’s feet. Granby laughed. “Remembered me, have you?”

“Just come here already,” she hissed.

Laurence turned his smile into his shoulder and excused himself to give them some time alone. He grabbed some dishes from the table and brought them inside. As he approached the kitchen, Little’s voice made him freeze in place.

“It isn’t the same, and we both know it. Jane isn’t a threat to you. She never was, really, and she certainly isn’t now.”

He thought about turning around and walking back out, but that wasn’t much of an exit. There was a conversation behind him and in front of him. He had to choose one to interrupt.

“She’s giving him a child,” Tharkay said. “You don’t think that will bond them forever? But it isn’t about competition. I only meant to reassure you that he isn’t trying to shove it in your face.”

“What else could it be? He doesn’t have the excuse of ignorance anymore, though how he ever had it, I don’t know, the way John follows him about with his eyes…At least I used to comfort myself knowing he couldn’t do for him what I could. But now that you’ve made an invert of him, everything I’ve built is threatened. He won’t be able to stop himself from imagining the possibilities, especially now with that offer on the table.”

Laurence took a step forward. He would clear his throat and make his presence known. But then Tharkay spoke again.

“It isn’t like that! John knows what he has in you, and you’re daft if you think he’d trade that away. Think of all you’ve been through—”

“Him and that damn blonde have been through just as much—if not more! I think about the bond they must have shared when they served shoulder to shoulder aboard the same dragon and find myself grinding my teeth. John taught him everything there was to know about the corps. And then there was their time on the dragon transport, their time in New South Whales. Never mind that their dragons had an egg together. He talks about the man as much as he does Izkierka. I doubt my name touches his lips half as often.”

Little’s breath was audible in the silence that followed. When Tharkay spoke each word was as carefully placed as a chess piece. “I’ll forgive your words because I know you don’t mean them.”

The tray Laurence held was making his hands ache, but he couldn’t move. He thought he’d stumbled on the answer with his proposition, but he was being just as selfish and blind as always. He had always sensed a distance between himself, and Immortalis’s captain, but had put it down to the man’s reticence. Little was well-respected in the corps, but didn’t seem to have many friends. He talked to Chenery, and John of course. But apparently Tharkay was a close confident as well, and now his new-found nest mate was being forced to make excuses on his behalf.

“I’ll think of something,” Tharkay said. “I don’t know what I’ll tell Will yet. I cannot lie to him.”

Little sighed. “The stupid part is…his offer is not entirely without merit. I keep thinking of John up here all alone during the week once I go back to regular duty. I don’t want that for him, and with you two, and Temeraire, he’ll find plenty to keep busy. He’s a social creature, my John is. He dotes on Izkierka, but he needs human company as well, and—” Little swore to himself. The sailor in Laurence was impressed with the wording. “And the fact that I’ll have to choke down my pride and thank Laurence for stealing away more of my partner’s heart isn’t something I’ll relish.”

“The fact that you would give this to him at all is proof that your love will last. John knows what he has in you. And at the end of every day, he’ll choose you, Augustine, over and over without end. You must believe that. If he knew that you doubted him—”

“I don’t. And I don’t know why I’m even saying any of this. It must make you angry to hear me speak against Laurence—”

“Never mind him, are you certain you must go back on duty? I’m thinking of renting the big house and most of the estate, and I don’t need the money. Surely you and John could—”

“I’m not like Laurence, a famous war hero with the dragon that cast the deciding move in so many of the major battles. I’m captain to one of dozens of yellow reapers. The corps raised me since I was a child. I owe it to them to—”

“You owe more to yourself. I know your heart wasn’t in the war, and I don’t care what euphemisms the corps tries to use, you’re made of better stuff than killing and senseless obedience. And what of Immortalis? Will you really force him to carry on with the endless drills and tasteless covert food for the endless future?”

“We’ve been through this…”

“And what about your writing? Your art? Your studies? You’re a scholar, Augustine. To waste your mind on such mindless drivel—doesn’t it make you want to claw your eyes out? I don’t understand you. You have a partner and dragon, friends who want nothing more than to watch you sit and do the work you love, and you still—”

“Enough.”

Laurence made his decision. A few steps later and they were both in view. Tharkay had a hand on Little’s shoulder. He knew he could set the dishes down on the counter, make some comment as if he hadn’t overheard, and walk out. But he wasn’t going to build a foundation with lies.

“I won’t pretend I don’t care for John deeply, because I do. I have known him for a very long time, and I have shared some things with him that I’ll never have with anyone else, so I think I can speak with authority when I say you have nothing to worry about.”

Laurence did set the dishes on the counter, but he did not turn to leave. Neither did he try to approach or touch Little. He stood a respectful distance away and spoke his piece.

“I know you and I have never shared an especially deep bond.  I never thought you were interested in my company, and I did not want to force myself on you. But now that I see that both John and Tenzing hold you in such great esteem, I doubt I will be able to help myself in future. I apologize for the hurt I’ve unwittingly caused, but I promise this will work. I cannot tell you exactly why, perhaps Tenzing can find the words, I just know this will be good for all of us.”

Little looked to Tharkay, who opened his hands wide in a “don’t ask me” gesture. Little looked back to Laurence. His eyes glittered angrily, and when he opened his mouth, his chest expanded in preparation for an explosion, but the breath left him in a long exhale. When it was finished he looked exhausted.

“Just take care of him.”

Little turned away, so Laurence left him in the kitchen and went back outside for air. He wanted a simple bond to hold himself against now, and yearned for the stability his impossibly large dragon always bought him. But Temeraire was not in his pavilion. Laurence strained his eyes into the darkness and saw the hulking shape that was nearly obscured in the darkness. It was only the light of the moon reflecting off his back that revealed him. Laurence felt his heart swell as he broke into a jog, but the call died in his throat when he saw another man sitting on his dragon’s foreleg. He stifled a groan. Was he forever doomed to walk in on private moments? He turned to go back to the pavilion, but was called back by Granby.

“I’m no dragon thief, Will. Get back here.”

Laurence trudged the remaining distance and settled himself against Temeraire’s other leg.

“And what nonsense have you been filling my dragon’s head with this time?” he asked.

“We both know he has plenty of nonsense bouncing around in there without my help. Your dear creature has been reassuring me that should I ever wish to bed you, he believes he can bring you and Tharkay around to letting me.”

“Temeraire! No wonder Little is suspicious of me! What a conniving creature you are. I hope Immortalis has not heard one word of this, or I will personally oversee the writing of your apology note.”

Temeraire sniffed. “I should not think he can complain, what with us sharing Jane’s egg with him and all. And to be fair, Granby has been our crew for even longer than Tharkay.”

“I am certain Granby does not appreciate you stirring trouble between him and Little. Now I think we should leave before we cause any more damage.”

Granby laughed. “Don’t fret. Temeraire is doing wonders for my ego. I don’t often get to be the center of attention like this.” He slid off Temeraire and gave him a pat on the foreleg. Laurence snagged him before he could walk off.

“Good night, John.”

He pitched the words low, and was rewarded with Granby’s flustered surprise. He slid his hold down to grip Granby’s wrist.

“I would not have kissed you so brusquely that night had I known how you felt about me.”

John tried to make light of it. “So long as next time is better.” He gave Laurence’s hand a squeeze and let go. When he was some distance away, he passed Tharkay coming toward them. Whatever passed between them made Granby sprint suddenly back to the house. Laurence tried to suppress his curiosity, but the quiet after Temeraire took to the sky tore it from him.

“What did you tell him?”

“Who? Augustine?”

“No. Just now with John. It looked like you’d set fire to his pants.”

“Oh, that. I told him Little wanted to ride dragons naked over London.”

 “Did he really?” He found it impossible to imagine the reserved and brooding man suggesting such a thing.

“No. But I figured they could both use a distraction, and it’s certainly an adventure they haven’t shared with anyone else before.”

Laurence laughed. He looked around, and then down at himself, but he only got two of his buttons undone before Tharkay swatted him on the back of the head. “Don’t you dare!”

“Oh, but it will be interesting!” Temeraire said. “There will be nothing to separate us.”

Laurence made as if to continue his undressing. Tharkay grabbed his hand, which had been Laurence’s primary objective the whole time. He brought the hand to his mouth and kissed first the palm, and then the inside of his wrist.

“ _Will_ ,” Tharkay warned.

Laurence licked the delicate skin that thrummed with Tharkay’s pulse, and got a light slap on the face for his trouble. He pressed his body flat against Temeraire and said, “Can’t you go any faster?”

He whooped like a boy when Temeraire responded to his goading and plunged toward the earth, a living arrow. The wind whistled as it sliced over them and tore the sound from his throat. Beside him he felt Tharkay take a tight grip on his arm. The grip remained as they rocketed back upward, and didn’t loosen throughout Temeraire’s remaining tricks. Only when it was time to slide down did Tharkay loosen the claw-like hold. Laurence grinned and gave Temeraire an appreciative pat before following his friend down.

He caught Tharkay around the waist when they reached the door and pushed him up against the wall of the entranceway. “Can I touch you now?”

Tharkay tried, and failed, to appear nonchalant. “From whence comes this brute?”

Laurence pressed a series of kisses to Tharkay’s neck in place of answering. As he did, he tore free the man’s neckcloth and tossed it over his shoulder.

“Such impatience,” Tharkay said, sounding breathless as he shoved Laurence back. “Haven’t you the decency to wait?”

“No.” He tried to regain the wonderful hold he’d had, but Tharkay moved like a wisp of smoke to escape him. Laurence followed him to the stairs, reaching for him all the way, but Tharkay pressed a hand to his chest to keep him at arm’s length and said. “Go up to bed and wait for me to come to you.”

Laurence shivered. Maybe it was the pinkened trail of kisses on Tharkay’s bare throat, or maybe it was the certain promise in his eyes, either way Laurence knew he didn’t want to do any waiting. Tharkay brushed his jaw with the pad of his thumb. “Go,” he bid him.

Laurence couldn’t say why he turned and went up the stairs, but his feet climbed mechanically. Their room was dark. Laurence went to the window and cracked it open, but the night, and its air, wasn’t distraction enough for him. He tried to focus his thoughts. There was the baby that would come into their lives soon, and the estate repairs, with the possibility of new pavilions, but he couldn’t focus on anything but Tharkay, and found himself timing his breaths just to give himself something to do.

Those carefully organized breaths shredded to chaos when he finally heard Tharkay’s tread on the steps. He told himself to wait, but all he wanted was to do was race down the stairs and disobey his instructions in the most gratifying way possible. However, his patience was soon rewarded. Once again, he felt, more than heard, Tharkay in the doorway. As he turned, the rest of his breath left him. Moonbeams from the window cast soft stripes on Tharkay’s body and revealed glistening skin that hadn’t been given the time to dry fully from its bath.

“You can’t possibly be real.” Laurence could only whisper the words. He felt feeble and insignificant beside the whole of Tharkay’s beauty.

Tharkay pulled his hair loose from its tie. The hair spilled down bare shoulders in a dark curtain. Laurence had to grip the windowsill.

“Tenzing, please…”

Tharkay crossed the room and kissed him, a soft exploration of dry lips and honesty. Laurence’s hand shook as he rested it on Tharkay’s hip. If anyone came to take this away from him now, he would kill them. The violent thought was only a flash in his mind and it left him even weaker than before. He couldn’t think of this ending. He swore to himself he would find a way to make it last forever.

The hand on Tharkay’s hip firmed as he pulled his nest-mate closer and dared to deepen the kiss. Tharkay touched his face, first with one hand, then the other. The touch was too careful. It taught Laurence he wasn’t the only one worried about loss. He held himself still under the slow exploration. If this was all Tharkay could give him, he would still be fulfilled.

“I love you,” he said, and his heart roared its agreement. With its every thump he felt Tharkay’s name pulse through his veins.

He thought to say more, but his lips could not limit their interest to words. He struggled for a moment. There was so much he wanted to share, but the breath on his lips was driving him out of his mind. Thankfully, Tharkay was able to settle the debate with simple words.

“Come to bed.”

\---

*End of Part 1*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, my dears. Your eyes do not deceive you. There will be a part two and I have already begun writing it. I decided to end this fic here because it did set up Tharkay and Laurence's relationship (If not the entirely of it, at least a solid beginning). However, there's lots of stuff that still has yet to happen to these delightful characters. So if you're not sick of my writing style yet, stay tuned for the next installment.


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